This last week I handed in two extremely important documents. First my graduation application and second my application to graduate school at MSUM.
I couldn't help but think back to when I was applying at MSUM for my undergrad. I was so scared. I didn't have great attendance, my grades were alright to down right ugly, and my extracurricular activity stopped somewhere around 8th grade. It was in that time in my life when I was at my all time low. I lived through hell in living through losing Grant and the poorly timed friend drama and bullying.
I saw how he had lived his life. So fully. To me it didn't seem that Grant scared away from too much or let others bother him. He had a short life but one so well lived despite the shortened time. I remember back then, and admittedly sometimes now, how I wondered why it should him who left us. I felt that it should've been me. I didn't have his constant smile or great heart. I was lost in so many ways and life, for assorted reasons, wasn't coming so easily to me. So why would he get sick? He inspired people, brightened their days. I didn't. Typically the opposite.
I will never know why it went the way it did but that I am here and since losing him and dealing with the enormous grief that followed I've learned how to live. I never talked about it, but he was why I applied to college. I didn't want to waste anymore of my time here on earth being afraid. I also wanted to live it a little, okay a lot, for him.
I was scared handing in those two stacks of paperwork, particularly the application. What if I don't get in? What if. what if. what if. I remember holding both stacks of paperwork thinking it'd be easier to not. It's safer to not. Trying to hold onto a moment seemed so tempting, but then I remembered what I'd learned nearly five years ago.
Life is too important to play it safe. So for better or for worse I submitted the applications and while he is always with me, this time it was for me. I'm living my life for me now.
I think that would've made him proud and I hope wherever he is that he knows how much he mattered to my success so far. How much he taught me. How much I love him and how much I miss him. How sorry I am for the things I was too young to know to say. How sorry I am for the choices of a 12 year old me who picked make up and making friend with girls over keeping close with him and that above all how much of an impact his life had.
I believe he does.
I just wanted to document this moment and pay tribute to an incredible person who is so significant in my journey.
Til next time...
