The movie selection of the evening was Atonement. I have seen it a few times before and every time I am struck by it. I can never pinpoint precisely what is so striking about it. The technical aspects are remarkable yes, but it isn't the technical qualities that pierce through people. They help to effectively accomplish said piercing, but they couldn't accomplish anything if there wasn't such humanity about it; such honesty.
I suppose it is that quality that most entrances me. It is honest. That we all make choices that can't be undone. Even at 12 before we realize anything we do can matter we do matter. During the film someone commented about how Briony will likely be haunted by the mangled image of these soilders, and I said, "I think she's already haunted, what's a few more ghosts?" It came across as a dark joke, as many of my offhanded confessions do.
I, like Briony, made choices as early as 12 that haunt me. You try to forgive yourself for what a child could have no way of knowing, for a future you could have never predicted, but it doesn't work like that.
I am a woman of many ghosts. Of things I actively decided to do and for so many passive things I let leave. For so many critical words I never had the courage to say.
I know I can spend a lifetime writing them down, perhaps even rewriting them, as Briony did, to provide an ending real life did not. However I think honesty pays a better tribute.
I have knowingly let time, at it's most limited, pass by myself and a terminal loved one.
I'm doing it again now.
I should be with my Grandfather. Or at least write more.
I should have spent as much time as I could have with him
I should have better selected the people I love.
I should have recognized the limits of those I love...
These are a few of my ghosts.
Only a few.
While the movie and book are fictitious there are millions out there like me who are honestly haunted by the choices we made before we realized it mattered. Things we can never get back or give back. We will spend a lifetime trying to forgive ourselves. Atoning for the nature of people.
That's what it all comes back to doesn't it? The best works of art, the most acclaimed movies, the classics in literature. They stand out in their honest reflection of the human condition. In particular the most painful parts of humanity; suffering, intentionality, heartbreak, hope, desperation, and despair. The parts we so often try to ignore and forget in favor of the better aspect; love. Ironically though it is that one feature of humans; to love, that so masterfully connects all the painful parts in a symphony of life. If we faced those difficult truths more often would their be less war, less pain, less sorrow? Would we at least be more compassionate to each other? Would it matter?
It seems poetic, the way it all interweaves, and promising that such works of art exist like this film or Frida Kahlo's paintings. That though astonishingly few people do document the full scale of humanity in all it's splendors and accompanying splinters, some do. Works exist to bare witness to all that it means to be human.
Perhaps one day I'll be one such person...
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Taking Risks
This last week I handed in two extremely important documents. First my graduation application and second my application to graduate school at MSUM.
I couldn't help but think back to when I was applying at MSUM for my undergrad. I was so scared. I didn't have great attendance, my grades were alright to down right ugly, and my extracurricular activity stopped somewhere around 8th grade. It was in that time in my life when I was at my all time low. I lived through hell in living through losing Grant and the poorly timed friend drama and bullying.
I saw how he had lived his life. So fully. To me it didn't seem that Grant scared away from too much or let others bother him. He had a short life but one so well lived despite the shortened time. I remember back then, and admittedly sometimes now, how I wondered why it should him who left us. I felt that it should've been me. I didn't have his constant smile or great heart. I was lost in so many ways and life, for assorted reasons, wasn't coming so easily to me. So why would he get sick? He inspired people, brightened their days. I didn't. Typically the opposite.
I will never know why it went the way it did but that I am here and since losing him and dealing with the enormous grief that followed I've learned how to live. I never talked about it, but he was why I applied to college. I didn't want to waste anymore of my time here on earth being afraid. I also wanted to live it a little, okay a lot, for him.
I was scared handing in those two stacks of paperwork, particularly the application. What if I don't get in? What if. what if. what if. I remember holding both stacks of paperwork thinking it'd be easier to not. It's safer to not. Trying to hold onto a moment seemed so tempting, but then I remembered what I'd learned nearly five years ago.
Life is too important to play it safe. So for better or for worse I submitted the applications and while he is always with me, this time it was for me. I'm living my life for me now.
I think that would've made him proud and I hope wherever he is that he knows how much he mattered to my success so far. How much he taught me. How much I love him and how much I miss him. How sorry I am for the things I was too young to know to say. How sorry I am for the choices of a 12 year old me who picked make up and making friend with girls over keeping close with him and that above all how much of an impact his life had.
I believe he does.
I just wanted to document this moment and pay tribute to an incredible person who is so significant in my journey.
Til next time...
I couldn't help but think back to when I was applying at MSUM for my undergrad. I was so scared. I didn't have great attendance, my grades were alright to down right ugly, and my extracurricular activity stopped somewhere around 8th grade. It was in that time in my life when I was at my all time low. I lived through hell in living through losing Grant and the poorly timed friend drama and bullying.
I saw how he had lived his life. So fully. To me it didn't seem that Grant scared away from too much or let others bother him. He had a short life but one so well lived despite the shortened time. I remember back then, and admittedly sometimes now, how I wondered why it should him who left us. I felt that it should've been me. I didn't have his constant smile or great heart. I was lost in so many ways and life, for assorted reasons, wasn't coming so easily to me. So why would he get sick? He inspired people, brightened their days. I didn't. Typically the opposite.
I will never know why it went the way it did but that I am here and since losing him and dealing with the enormous grief that followed I've learned how to live. I never talked about it, but he was why I applied to college. I didn't want to waste anymore of my time here on earth being afraid. I also wanted to live it a little, okay a lot, for him.
I was scared handing in those two stacks of paperwork, particularly the application. What if I don't get in? What if. what if. what if. I remember holding both stacks of paperwork thinking it'd be easier to not. It's safer to not. Trying to hold onto a moment seemed so tempting, but then I remembered what I'd learned nearly five years ago.
Life is too important to play it safe. So for better or for worse I submitted the applications and while he is always with me, this time it was for me. I'm living my life for me now.
I think that would've made him proud and I hope wherever he is that he knows how much he mattered to my success so far. How much he taught me. How much I love him and how much I miss him. How sorry I am for the things I was too young to know to say. How sorry I am for the choices of a 12 year old me who picked make up and making friend with girls over keeping close with him and that above all how much of an impact his life had.
I believe he does.
I just wanted to document this moment and pay tribute to an incredible person who is so significant in my journey.
Til next time...
Monday, November 28, 2011
Baby Steps Add Up
Just got a huge part of one of my classes done. Presentation style. It was relatively good. I'd have given myself a B. Not too shabby.
Essentially this week is my finals week. I have the most stuff happening/wrapping up this week. Next week is a lot calmer, and all my classes are wrapped by next Friday Dec. 9th so this is the time to rockstar it up and hammer it out.
However, as a reward, and incentive I've purchased a few books to read over Christmas break. Here they are:
1. 2048: Humanity's Agreement to Live Together 2. Hope on a Tightrope: Words and Wisdom 3. The Unheard Truth: Poverty and Human Rights
Essentially this week is my finals week. I have the most stuff happening/wrapping up this week. Next week is a lot calmer, and all my classes are wrapped by next Friday Dec. 9th so this is the time to rockstar it up and hammer it out.
However, as a reward, and incentive I've purchased a few books to read over Christmas break. Here they are:
1. 2048: Humanity's Agreement to Live Together 2. Hope on a Tightrope: Words and Wisdom 3. The Unheard Truth: Poverty and Human Rights
Sunday, November 27, 2011
It's been awhile
Why Hello Blog World!
Yes it has been a while since I last posted, and since so many things have been happening I'll rock it bullet point style
Yes it has been a while since I last posted, and since so many things have been happening I'll rock it bullet point style
- I got a job that I love. SO MUCH. It is the highlight of most of my days.
- I have a seriously brutal week this week, followed by a calmer next week with all my finals finishing on the 9th. awhoa.
- My grad school app is coming along fairly nicely
- I didn't buy any gifts on black friday but I rocked in some nice prices for myself.
- My Christmas shopping is mostly done
- I may hit my bucket list goal of reading 52 books in a year
- I'm excited for the future
- Life is good.
- My relationship with God keeps evolving and it's what I'm most grateful for.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Moments like tonight make me grateful to be alive
Tonight STLF opened it's weekly meeting and doors to the campus to decorate bras for bras on broadway and had an incredible turn out. Great energy, funny moments, creative bras, and all for a great cause! After a committed hour of bra decorating the number slowed down and we started to clean up which was a process for sure, and we were leaving at about 9:50.
We swing by the group office and are like ' huh, free pie sounds great' and a lovely friend points out we have ten minutes to get there to squeak in under the free pie deadline. So we RUN. we run to drop off bras, we then sprint to a car (people dressed as mario brothers characters held doors) get there at 9:59. We got our free pie and enjoyed spectacular laughs, stories, and pie.
It's really those out of the blue, nearly didn't happen, great moments that I so love life for. I know tonight will be on my top college memories list and I'm grateful for it.
On top of which life has been so great for me lately, not in a boastful way, and I pray life is good for everyone reading this too, just in a much needed way. The past pain of the last several months is passing, the drama subsiding and I'm happy. I have a new exciting job on campus, my classes are all going really well and are fun, I'm loving time with friends, and I'm in a really great place with my faith.
I'm so, so grateful for my life right now. For tonight, for the activism, social awareness, and good deeds that seem to surround my life lately, for my friends, for adventures, for everything.
for dark days here's a blog to remember it gets better after the storm, no matter how long that storm may have been.
We swing by the group office and are like ' huh, free pie sounds great' and a lovely friend points out we have ten minutes to get there to squeak in under the free pie deadline. So we RUN. we run to drop off bras, we then sprint to a car (people dressed as mario brothers characters held doors) get there at 9:59. We got our free pie and enjoyed spectacular laughs, stories, and pie.
It's really those out of the blue, nearly didn't happen, great moments that I so love life for. I know tonight will be on my top college memories list and I'm grateful for it.
On top of which life has been so great for me lately, not in a boastful way, and I pray life is good for everyone reading this too, just in a much needed way. The past pain of the last several months is passing, the drama subsiding and I'm happy. I have a new exciting job on campus, my classes are all going really well and are fun, I'm loving time with friends, and I'm in a really great place with my faith.
I'm so, so grateful for my life right now. For tonight, for the activism, social awareness, and good deeds that seem to surround my life lately, for my friends, for adventures, for everything.
for dark days here's a blog to remember it gets better after the storm, no matter how long that storm may have been.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I'm Still Kicking!
I swear! Last week was midterms, leadership week, job interview, and fall breather SO blogging, sadly has been bumped off my list, but it's back now!
I'm not writing much right now cause I don't wanna jinx something, but I'll write about it probably friday or saturday so look out for that.
I'm well. I'm focused on the future, I'm focusing on self improvement and growth, and I'm focusing on school. I'm pleased with the choice so far.
Hoping you're well.
xoxo,
me
I'm not writing much right now cause I don't wanna jinx something, but I'll write about it probably friday or saturday so look out for that.
I'm well. I'm focused on the future, I'm focusing on self improvement and growth, and I'm focusing on school. I'm pleased with the choice so far.
Hoping you're well.
xoxo,
me
Monday, September 26, 2011
Peace
A summary of the last two weeks; growth, goodbyes, and blue skies.
I wrote one of the hardest messages to someone I loved a great deal yesterday. It was no easy feat and something I'd been struggling with since school started as to if things could go back, trying to make it work, and accepting sometimes we break each other and that can't be undone. I will miss this person greatly as I do every time I have to transition into a new phase in my life but I think it's best for both of us.
I feel a sense of peace about it. That now I can finish healing and stop worrying about texting too much, not enough, about coordinating times to hang out that never happened anyway, about something that has been lost for months now.
At the same time I realized how not close my extended family is last week. It was a shock because as foolish as it was I believed it was like it'd always been that they would fight, make up, and no matter what when push came to shove we'd be there for each other. That is not the case, and I'm making peace with that too.
I cannot force someone to care about me in the same way I can't keep giving all I've got to people who don't care.
I'm happy because resolution is the first step to complete healing and I'm proud because I never thought I'd have the strength to say goodbye to people. I typically haven't in the past. I seldom end things, but I have this time and I know it was right. The variety of connections ending served a purpose in my life, and I'm not exactly sure what that was just now, and I most likely won't be able to see the impact of it for a while but I do know this.
I will be better and stronger this way.
So will they.
I want only the best for them.
and now I can focus on my own future instead of the past.
Goodbyes are one of the hardest things about the human experience but holding onto something that no longer exists is one of the worst things we do to ourselves. I'm not self sabotaging anymore and I know what I deserve and it's better than what fragments were there and now I'm looking forward to blue skies.
Til next time....
I wrote one of the hardest messages to someone I loved a great deal yesterday. It was no easy feat and something I'd been struggling with since school started as to if things could go back, trying to make it work, and accepting sometimes we break each other and that can't be undone. I will miss this person greatly as I do every time I have to transition into a new phase in my life but I think it's best for both of us.
I feel a sense of peace about it. That now I can finish healing and stop worrying about texting too much, not enough, about coordinating times to hang out that never happened anyway, about something that has been lost for months now.
At the same time I realized how not close my extended family is last week. It was a shock because as foolish as it was I believed it was like it'd always been that they would fight, make up, and no matter what when push came to shove we'd be there for each other. That is not the case, and I'm making peace with that too.
I cannot force someone to care about me in the same way I can't keep giving all I've got to people who don't care.
I'm happy because resolution is the first step to complete healing and I'm proud because I never thought I'd have the strength to say goodbye to people. I typically haven't in the past. I seldom end things, but I have this time and I know it was right. The variety of connections ending served a purpose in my life, and I'm not exactly sure what that was just now, and I most likely won't be able to see the impact of it for a while but I do know this.
I will be better and stronger this way.
So will they.
I want only the best for them.
and now I can focus on my own future instead of the past.
Goodbyes are one of the hardest things about the human experience but holding onto something that no longer exists is one of the worst things we do to ourselves. I'm not self sabotaging anymore and I know what I deserve and it's better than what fragments were there and now I'm looking forward to blue skies.
Til next time....
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