These Hands...

Are all I own. They are not yours, they are my own.  - Jewel.

My cousin, childhood best friend and like brother Grant once said to me that he loved that song. At that point I began to think about that lyric. "These hands are all I own, they are not yours, they are my own." I come from a family of people who work with their hands. I come from a long line of musicians, quilters, carpenters, painters, artists, tile layers, knitters, crocheters, writers. We use our hands. I have such a connect to making things and appreciate more than anything something that is made because there is a beauty and always a love when someone creates something like that for you.

Just last week I made a coffee table with my dad. We collaboratively designed, crafted, assembled, and painted this. It is Hollermann through and through and as we worked together and I hours flew by without my noticing I thought about where my dad learned it, where his dad learned it, and so on. It means something to me that we made this together that I have become a part of that tradition in a new way. For everything my family isn't - we are at the heart a good, honest, capable hardworking people and I reconnected with that fact throughout it's production. I'm only sad I didn't get a chance to make more this summer with him, but I'm so, so grateful I got to do this.

Those are a few shots of the table top which is still drying but slowly getting there.

Those are a few shots of the entire finished table with quotes around the boarder that are all about being the change and other things that inspire me. This table was part of a transformation for me and I hope that this table will allow me to always come home and remember my roots, remember why I care like I do, and my focus in life.

Till Next Time...

Huge storm, Harry Potter, Hot Mess, Built a Table, and Peace Corp

The title is my life in a nutshell these days. The reason it's been so long between posts is because we recently just got internet back at our house. Why has it taken so long? WELL, a huge storm came rolling through here about a week and a few days ago one that literally had lightening striking the ground and shaking the entire house. It fried our internet, the entire blocks internet, our hot water heater, two tvs, two laptops, a weedwhip, a dvd player, and all I can say is thank God for renter's insurance. Especially whoever my parents go through because I'm already back up and going so awesome.

Harry Potter - a few nights ago I went to Harry Potter with the lovely Melissa Gearman, Emily Takle, and her sister Erin. Oh. My. Goodness. SO GOOD. So good I'm going to go see it again this week, and I have never before gone to see a movie twice in theatres not even when ticket prices were a mere 5.50 instead of this 9 dollar nonsense.  I won't even get over it. So amazing.

Hot Mess -A few days after that Lindsay, Melissa and I got together for some good laughs and eventually a few drinks which hit me hard. I only had a few drinks, I mixed them myself, had plenty of sleep, had food before and during drinking, and yet I was for serious drunk. Probably cause I don't drink much anymore(but I can, because less anyone doubt it, I am of age). So that was fun, and my brother now fondly refers to me as 'the lush'. It was worth it though. I forgot how much I miss those two wonderful women!

Built a table. yes I quite literally built a table...well my dad did a lot of it while I learned and assisted but I did in fact use power tools in the production of it, and did a primer paint job yesterday and am doing a coat today then I get to design/paint it however I want - purty excited!

I have decided on a path of action come May after graduation. I am going into the peace corp. I have been working on my application like crazy - I have my essays done and will be uploading them after this followed by trying to figure out who to use as recommendations, but it's going to be fantastic! I hope I get an invite.

Also, I have been slowed down on my internship role from lack of internet, computer, and so on, BUT I still believe I will achieve my goal of having everything ready before school starts so I can email them in as needed and make adjustments and won't need to be doing that, chapter core business(get ready for some great stuff this year - we have some service options planned, freebies at orientation, and a first meeting set for August 24th!) and SENIOR YEAR OF SCHOOL!!!

also my car is finally in the shop so hopefully this year I will have a car! knock on wood.

Till next time...

Quick Update

This week has found me with some stomach upset which I am not a fan of, I don't think I'm sick, but I've been just a little queasy and as a result I've only worked out once this week, and I miss it. It makes a huge impact on my mood, though not so much on my body. Like I feel like with the work going in I should look like Megan Fox by now, but alas I am still Hollermann and don't see much of a change except in muscle growth and flexibility. Though most importantly it's a healthy lifestyle to exercise and I feel better and stronger and that does and always will matter above appearances. (to me, not a common belief in our society)

I finished reading Something Blue this week. It was a train wreck. I hated it. Like I wonder if that's not what induced this wicked stomach problem. It was horrid. So bad. Don't read it. Read Something Borrowed NOT Blue. blegh.

Harry Potter Comes out tonight, crazy excited to eventually see that with the lovely Mel.

I love youtube for finding new music. Like for real. Megan Tonjes, Julia Nunes, Luke Conrad, Alex Goot, Pomplemoose and assorted others. In many ways I truly hate internet networking because it's so passive and lends itself to a false sense of confidence in which people are infinitely more rude because there is an element of you can't see me so it doesn't count mentality. However in this case I approve, I LOVE the music I find on youtube and the ideas and fun news shows (philip defranco) good stuff.

I have also been not as productive as I wish I were as a result of my mysterious minor ailment and I hate that. I feel so listless and it's had been in a little funk, but today felt like it's getting better though presently it's a tad mad - though I suspect it's the too many pieces of pizza I ate (veggie though - yum)

Beyond that in my lack of normal structure I baked my family oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from scratch. I was pretty proud since fiesta toast is usually where my skills in the kitchen end.

Til next time...

Transformation

When we are little we are asked what we may like to be one day?
                  My answers ranged from writer, fashion designer, lawyer, starving artist, and other assorted titles.

As I found myself in college it was less about the title of what I would be and who it was I wanted to be - strong, funny, comfortable with myself, assertive, volunteer focuses, independent, loved, always striving for a better version of myself, open to life and all it's happiness and pain among other things.

As I consider this now, about to start in my last year in University, I find that while my major changed as often as my childhood answer, and my job desires don't even align with the major I'll graduate with and while I've made great progress in who I want to be now it's shifted still. Now instead of desiring a new laundry list of attributes I want or job titles - I want to accept myself, just as I am, highly emotional, passionate, overly invested, flawed but ultimately good natured me. Yes I do have elements of my personality that can be hard to handle, but that's not according to me. That has been according to everyone else. In the last year I had several friends I thought were like family tell me off for those characteristics of being too much to handle in the areas of emotions and ups and downs and by God I am, but I'm done feeling ashamed for it.

This is who I am. I cry my eyes out often, laugh often, and hit very low lows, but I also experience every moment of life and I wouldn't have it any other way and that dynamic quality is something worth loving.( and for the record an acceptable healthy personality type) I'm not a bad person for being myself and as I look to the future I see that what I want is to not lose sight of that self acceptance for anyone, always learn and grow, be a good role model (which admittedly this last year I potentially was not) go on adventures in my twenties, and hopefully start a family (adopted family) in my early thirties. I want to take in the children that were also made to feel decidedly less for simply existing as they are and give them a home in myself. I want to live in a city, far, far away from Minnesota a state that holds too many heartbreaks for me already, and live a life I can be proud of and through doing so move the world one step closer to a better tomorrow. (that's my life motto - the one good thing I got from my leadership minor)

I'm sure this year at school will offer ups, downs, a few good chats, a few good cries, and way too many goodbyes, but I feel good about where I'm going, about my transformation into the next stage of my life whatever it may hold and no along the way I will have no problem finding love, laughter, and people to share it with because for all that is deemed wrong in me I have never had a problem opening up and accepting others. I love like others breathe, automatically, and without effort and for that, even in a world where I'm told I should be ashamed of that, I'm grateful to God for that. It's perhaps the single quality of myself I've grown most proud of.

Ponderments of a Post Book High

Well this blog seems to be centralized about reading more and more and rightly so. The art of reading and articulating the ideas that those books create within us should be more widely cherished and practiced. (in my opinion). The focus of this is to discuss that glorious post book high when you've just finished a book that really created an interesting discussion in your mind, stirred a passion within, and changed you if only for a few hours after finishing it. I think that's the best time to discuss the book and that's what I intend to do.

The book I read was A Change Of Heart by Jodi Picoult and while her books tend to have a familiar pattern; multiple narrator books that change for each, often short chapter, a controversial issue that we see from four or five points of view and a few good(if sometimes predictable) twists. This book was no exception it dealt primarily with the impact of the death penalty and religion, so really non heated neutral topics basically.

I was passionately set against the death penalty the first time I heard about it, which now I can't remember - late elementary school early middle school? I believed this with a conviction that roared. I maintained that if there were any chance someone could be killed and be truly innocent it should not be used. That possibility always exists, and furthermore who were we to decide that decision? As a sophomore in college I took a philosophy class from the scariest professor I have ever had and he switched everything I thought on it's ear with his reason and hypothetical situations, but I returned to my original stance a semester or so after the class ended. This book confirmed that for me and if asked if I could ever be on a jury that would have to vote on a death penalty case the answer is no. Regardless of the horrific things people do that cause our blood to boil, the evil, dark. disturbing things I could not ever put someone to death - I could not murder another even if they started it.

Now that aspect of the book was pretty well cemented for me, but was presented well, but what truly got me thinking was the look at religion. This has always been an issue for me. Way back to when I was a feisty third grader who wanted to be a priest and had to be told that she couldn't because, simply, she was an XX chromosome instead of an XY, the most bogus reason ever and I began to think for myself. Not that those committed to a religion don't but some things were brought up in the book that really hit a chord with me.

"This is what it always comes to. There are the ones who believe and the ones who don't and caught in the space between them are guns."

"This is my simple religion there is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness. - the 14th Dalai Lama

"Every man(and woman) finds his(her) own church - and not all of them have four walls. "

These were some of the quotes from the book that hit with a force that made goosebumps erupt on my arms and my brain pulse in undeniable unison with my heart. I am so perplexed by so many things regarding religion. Why if they all frequently hold focus on doing good, kind things and bringing light into a world ridden with darkness do religious wars exist? Why do we allow a label divide us from uniting. It is together that we can create true, breathtaking, honestly good change. This world could be better if we'd all stop sitting in our camps stubbornly, often pouting. I am guilty of this too, particularly when it comes to respecting the beliefs of others. I often make jokes about my own Catholic upbringing and Christians in general, because part of my religion is laughter.

Further more broken down on a individualistic level, why don't our religions ask us to search ourselves for our own unique connection to the divine? As it happens I have done and do this frequently and found my religion does not fall within four walls or one label but in the following:

There is no cure for a broken heart, but it's better to have it broken than never open to another at all.
Laughter helps heal.
The little bits of good I personally can contribute to the universe make a difference, and if united with the acts of others will overwhelm the world (that was taken from a quote from a bishop whose name escapes me)
Horrible things happen in this world that have no rhyme or reason and horrible things happen because someone deliberately puts them into action, but the same is true of good.
That we weren't made in Gods image as little clones, but that God is within is, exactly as we are, and it is in our journey we find which parts of ourselves are the most like him.
That life is a blending the fated and random and we do have control to implement change, and whether it's for good or bad is up to us.

and this list grows with every person I meet, with every book I read, with every blessed moment I have and every heartbreak I recover from. I truly don't think it's about the label, or the little things, but the big picture and I wish we could all unite and see that and find that thread that weaves between and through everything to bring us to the religion of the universe and the truths of what we are as human; beings capable of truly remarkable good.

We are all so hellbent on being divided and I think that's the point isn't it, hell is the divide.(metaphorically I don't actually believe in a hell or heaven, just a reuniting of our spirit to our home in the universe, and I like to think God) We create the hell, but we could just as easily create the heaven if we could unite long enough to do so. We have religious divides, country divides, state divides, county divides, socioeconomic divides, family divides, political divides, and the list goes on, but what do we have that unites us?

Together it is literally possible to end hunger, save more lives, stop wars, and do more than we could ever dream, but we don't, and then we get angry at a God for not fixing what we won't even try to do on our own.

Just some thoughts, and if yours are a complete flip of my own that's fine, and I respect that, I just wish we could have a discussion about instead of war.

Sunday - A day for rest and gambling

At least it was for the Hollermann women (by which I mean my mom and I). I spent the morning reading(like I do) and ordering more books with my credits from paperbackswap.com (CHECK IT OUT it's hella cool and more on those books later.) My mom went in to work for a bit after which we were going to go to Bingo because while there is very little my mother and I see eye to eye on the worth of Bingo is one of them. Mostly I like it because it's one of the few activities we can do together and enjoy. It was a particularly colorful day at the Bingo pen today...


...Picture it, July 10th 2011 Alexandria MN 90 degrees KC bingo hall. We roll in twenty minutes early (the only way I know how to role is hyper punctual) and go purchase our cards, and settle in. Well then the storm warning comes onto the screen. Oh the excitement that rushed across the room. People frequented the window to closer investigate the sky while everyone chirped in a scholarly discussion about what a particular shade of gray sky may mean, and what the warning said, and how the rain was coming down( rapidly was the consensus) but as all true Bingo diehards once 7 pm rolled around everyone was in their seats ready for the first number to fall.

The games progressed without much excitement, I played SO MANY games being one away from winning, but never getting to proclaim bingo, but my mom scored herself $75 dollars. A delightful interaction happened between two regulars that went something like this:

**Car alarm gets set off and continues to go off for ten minutes which inspires helpful woman, let's call her Rose, hurries to the door to announce that yes, a car alarm is in fact going off and that it's Dexter's (names have been made up). Rose then hurries back to her card to catch up on the numbers. Dexter remains unphased.

Rose: Dex, the alarm is still going off.

Dexter: Go kick the car front tire - that usually shuts it up.

Rose makes no comment we all return to our cards and Dexter multitasks between dobbing 12 cards and locating his keys and pressing the stop alarm button on the key chain.

The alarm continues. No one says anything.10 additional minutes pass.

Dexter: Is it off yet?
Rose: No, Dex, it's not.

*collective chuckle rustles over the crowd and alarm shuts off*

Rose: It's off now Dex.
Dex: yeah, it's a little temperamental.
Rose: Like the owner!
*appreciative collective chuckle at the friendly shenanigans of the regulars*

That and the weather and all the cells that went off confirming people made it to bingo safely in the bad weather were the big news. Sometimes it's the strangest things that bring unexpected bursts of happiness into our lives and I enjoyed today in it's adorable interactions, laughs and good humor.

Before I wrap this up just want to mention that I am awaiting the arrival of the following new books that I get for free from paperbackswap(seriously, check it out):

Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult about a school shooting.

Sophie's World by I don't remember who wrote it, but I read it back in my high school philosophy class and want to read it again a bit older and wiser.

and Nickel and Dimed: on (Not) Getting by in America - it's an economic book about women in the United States struggling to get by on below the minimum wage standards by an impressive author who takes on living a life where she works 2 or 3 jobs that each pay a mere 6 to 7 dollars an hour. I'm especially excited about this one.

Remember when reading was cool...

I still advocate that it is, but I can't exactly ignore how often I hear, from intelligent college aged adults, ' I hate reading - it's so boring, I'd rather watch a movie' and how excited I get when someone reads anything for fun. So, for any fellow book lovers out there I offer you this - books read in 2011 by yours truly.


1. The Lucky One By Nicholas Sparks
2. The Choice By Nicholas Sparks

Why hello over 7th months since my last post

Indeed, I have let 7 months of 2011 go by without updating you my little bloggity but finally, after some serious password resetting of the wrong, and than right blog I am here. SO, for all you readers who were on the edge of your seat to see how my goals turn out (all none of you) here it is:                        
* Read 30 books or some jazzy number. I'm on book 20, and going strong I suspect this goal may be reached by August.  So, boss.


*Peace corp app - it's on my list, but not a ton of progress on this front, sadly, and in part because I'm weighing my post graduation plans. I may relocate to a new dreamy city(London anyone?) travel (Venice anyone?) move back home (anti climatic anyone?) masters program or peace corp. SO until I pick a path I'm not too ambitiously striving for any, and for now I'm okay with that.

*GPA - yeah we don't need to talk about last semester. It was brutal, but my cumulative is still a 3.27 or something so I'm gonna get back to my learning loving roots and rock out senior year.

**SIDENOTE** there are mother truckin flying ants in the house. FLYING attack of the freakishly giant ants. It almost got in my breakfast - rip it G-force flavor - and I would've been about eight shades of ragin.

*Successful Pay it Forward Tour. To answer that is a little tricky. I hear good things from most, albeit, not all participants, and on that tour I got so sick as to warrant hospitalization(of course I didn't go and just slept and shook for several days post tour). I had my heart broken when people I loved hurt me in ways I never expected, and I threw so much of what I am so much of my life outside of that was compromised. Overall though I'd say success - even for me as I am stronger and considerably more unattached now giving me a liberating freedom I'm rather enjoying.

*Run a 5k. No. this didn't happen, and I'm not sure I like running. I've stopped running and starting working out in different ways I think I like more, but we'll see what the next 5 months bring.

*Find Peace - I am making exceptional progress on this front, and that's all I'll say about it.

*Get 2nd tattoo - nothing is striking me as appropriate and having my neck tattoo through everything makes it more and more meaningful so the idea of one tattoo is growing on me.

*Get in SERIOUS shape - I enjoy my wording on that, as if non serious shape is an option. I am, and have been exercising 4+ x a week for usually 44-120 minutes depending on the variables. I have been eating healthy overall. I don't eat out at all anymore. I refuse to give up energy drinks and am sticking to it but I have limited them. I most likely won't become a runner - as it turns out I don't love it like I thought I would.

*Volunteer more - I'm doing a volunteer internship for the 11th annual Walk Of Hope on September 10th 2011 with firstlink in Fargo. It's an amazing cause and I'm honored to be a part of it.

*Raise 400 or more dollars for the Relay that happened in April. I did but I also have mixed feelings on that.

*Learn something new and challenging. - I am teaching myself Spanish and am at the intermediate level.


*Get an effin car - technically I have one, but it has no breaks and it may not actually ever be mine to use. FAIL.

*Find my happiness - also coming along nicely.

So there you have it. my goals for this year are coming along nicely as are my life long list of goals. I am proud of myself and I am excited for a future that for once is mine. 100 percent mine. Motivated and  decided by me and I can't explain how happy that makes me.


ALSO though not on my list and important addition I am reconnecting with my faith and my art. Til next time, which will hopefully be sooner rather than later take care.