Sometimes I wonder...

I wonder if anyone else really loves the same way I do. Completely and not just with who they should. Not to just a romantic interest, but to a friend, to a person in need, to a fall afternoon, to anyone who ever had to wonder if they were loved, and even to the ones who knew they were.

I love moments with the same intensity that someone loves a spouse.

I cry at movies because I feel the characters and the stories and the millions of very real people they represent.

I can't actually watch the episode of grey's anatomy where there's a gunman because somewhere, all to often, it is real - and seeing it tears my heart apart.

My only regret about having to someday die is that I only get one life to give to trying to make the place better for the future.

Shows like criminal minds make me physically sick because people actually commit these acts and I can't stop them and that pain scares me to the point of illness.

I'm not ashamed of the way I am, in fact I like to think sometimes I remind people of how they used to feel about those things before the world and media desensitized them, but despite my acceptance I wonder...

...Will there every be any person; friend, lover, husband, coworker who will ever experience the world like I do, and if they can't, would they ever be able to accept the fact that I do?

So far no one has outside my family (and even they struggle, regularly), though I'd believed otherwise 4 times now(1 boyfriend, 3 friends), it always ends the same. I have a broken heart and another ended relationship. My dad guesses someday I'll find a man I can tolerate because he's never met anyone who cares like me and advises I don't hold my breath.

I pray he's wrong, despite his wisdom, I pray he's wrong because my best asset is my heart and it seems a shame it should go a lifetime without sharing that love; unconditional, accepting, honest, love.

And as selfish as it is, it seems a shame that it should never know that love either.

Mixed Bag

So my first week in my final year at University is about to end. It's an odd feeling. I think it's been mostly good - well wait - I'll check:

The Good:

All great professors ( SCORE )
Good classes, excluding one potentially dull one
TONS of friend time
Lots of laughs
Have done 3 things I have never done before at school
Wildly successful first STLF meeting
Working with some of the best people I've ever worked with
No bumps in the logistics of starting this new year
Working with other orgs
Tortilla soup is back
My growing and evolving relationship with God(by far the best thing I got from the last onslaught of heartbreaks)

The Bad:

Some STLF messiness from the past that needs to/is getting cleared up (though that could be a good too)
Still broke
Some things seem to never change
I'm confused about what the right thing is in a few areas of my life
Awkward run ins

Yeah, so it is a mixed bag, but it's mostly good. I'm excited about the opportunity to build/rebuild an org that matters to me, I'm excited to focus on school, I'm excited about the sweet roommates I have this year, I'm excited that my theme for this year is to do new things I've never done (at least one a week) but there's still some things and some people that I'm uncertain about, some patterns I'm worried about, and some other stuff.

Every new start had to start with a first step, and this year is mine.
I am proud of me.

Deja Viste

It's like Deja Vu except it doesn't mean a feeling of already seeing something it means a sense of already being at a place before.

Often it comes in waves; crashing, relentless, desperate waves
                the memories I’d meant to forget but never got around to.
        the loved ones I never meant to forget but did
                         and the ones who made me believe, for the sweetest of seconds, that they loved me, and that’d be enough (picture mine, Normandy France)

Literally I have been at this place before. Moorhead is where I spend a great deal of my time, or have, over the last three years and it is good to be back, but I'm also feeling the past pain from this place. I have loved a lot of people in this town, and lost them.

I have gotten the news of a lot of pain in this place; several deaths, bad dates, lost friendships, almost lovers, actual lovers.

I know when I start seeing people again, and meet my roommate and reunite with my other two roommates I'll be happy and I'll be okay because I am now. I just didn't expect that overwhelming feeling of ache. I forget how strongly a place can hold emotions and memories.

Having been through this process before I know that once I start making new memories this feeling will subside, and likely by tomorrow it will have passed, but right now, my God, does it ache.

On the plus side I've partly decorated my room, almost completely unpacked, and have made a plan for a very productive Monday so I can spend the better part of this week just relaxing before the chaos of school resumes in one week from tomorrow.

That's really all I have, I just wanted to capture that moment in the healing process so the next time I can be comforted by knowing it gets better and I'll be okay.

*TOP FIVE*Things I'm Over,Things I Can Never Get Over, and Things I'm Looking Forward To

Things I'm Over:

1. Thunderstorms - they have always made me anxious and fearsome, but for serious this summer has been a tad overachieving in this respect.

2.Moving - My family seems to move every 2-4 years, and I move in cycles of nine months, then three and I'm so sick of the hassle of it all. I have this year at Uni, then probably back to Alex waiting for peace corp response, then either going there for 2 and half years or saving money to move east and settle for at least a decade.

3. Glee being everything everywhere - I dig the show - or did, until it became EVERYWHERE - oh hey glee folders,notebooks,wallets,concerts,movie concerts, blah blah blah - it's like a kid star it's gonna have a good run then fizzle out before adulthood and probably hit up the hard drugs.

4. Tshirt weather. I long for a sweatshirt.


5. Being broke - I've had a good run at it, 22 years, I'd really like to explore the rich side of livin for a few years.

Things I Can Never Get Over:

1. How seriously good the last Harry Potter Movie was - I've seen it 3 times, and for that matter Harry Potter in general I've been rereading all the books and watching all the movies. Also how frign sexy Rupert Grint is.

2. Dirty Dancing - I hear a remake is in the works. I absolutely won't go it's a disgrace to the perfection that are Patrick Swayze (swoon) and Jennifer Grey.

3.Hot beverages. nuff said.

4. Creating anything.

5. The Hunger Games trilogy and how(hopefully) good the movies will be.

Things I'm Looking Forward To:

1. Having an amazing year at Uni, helping rebuild STLF, finishing up my internship, and boosting my grades - my nerd heart pitter patters at the very thought.

2. The start of the new shoe New Girl which looks so, so, SO hilarious - I'm already sold

3. Sweatshirt Weather

4. unpacking and nesting in my apt.

5. GRADUATION - 4 years, a lot of work, a few heartbreaks, and some great classes(plus some horrid ones) and it's in my sights and I'm so stoked though I'm still debating on walking or not.

New Start

This week has flown by, but been rather exceptional.

Quick snapshot:
*Tumblr has made me it's bitch because it's like facebook,twitter,and stumbleupon had a threesome and fused all their best genes to produce this glorious, glorious site. (get one, join the habit, and follow me at chrisholla )
*A close second is TOMS. My TOMS shoes showed up and they are so glorious and I'm already planning on a second pair #awesome addictions
*I got a ton done on my internship - I have one thing to write and then just scheduling things, altering as firstlink asks me to, and promotion!
*I GOT A CAR. I will admit it is a bit of a piece; the gear shift is incorrectly marked so I can't look at it or I end up in neutral, the gas peddle is a smidge temperamental, the butt is high so it is an adjustment to use, it is definitely beat up, and perhaps it smells ever so faintly of pet (I have it on a febreeze regime to fix that) and driving it makes me feel like a newb again, I nearly hit the garbage can, the mailbox, some teenagers, a car, and that's it - on the plus side - it can only improve. Watch out FM area - you've been warned.
* I got my hair cut ...I think that was this week. It's truly a new me - only I've been all off on working out cause with all the packing there is not much room anywhere so I'm excited to get up to school and get back to the fantastic wellness center.

Despite all that updating goodness the actual reason I am writing tonight (besides putting off washing the dishes) is because I found this fantastic quote/pic that hit a chord with me, especially in light of this year, summer, and week



This week in particular I went through a lot of changes, physical, emotional, and other, less easily described aspects. In particular an old friend contacted me and we got closure. We said kind goodbyes, and thank you for the memories and this week when I look back at the pictures, even those riddles with previous heartbreaks and former friends and it didn't hurt, because it didn't matter anymore. Like this saying illustrates I've left those pieces of my life, and heart behind and it has been so much easier to feel the sunshine without them.

In addition, as my old friend and I discussed, I couldn't and wouldn't be who I am now and I wouldn't be in this great place if I had stayed stuck in those relationships and friendships that didn't work, and often brought out the worst in each other - staying for the sake of staying seems so foolish now, though I can never see it at the time I hope next time I'll recall this saying and leave those pieces and move forward, into the sunshine.

Hoping you love and sunshine in your future!

P.S. any MSUMers out there, watch out for STLF this year on campus we got big things planned, starting with some sweet freebies at orientation! Look for our table!