The only thing you can count on is change

One week ago I found out via facebook someone I loved was very sick.
Today he is stable and hopefully getting better.

One month ago classes started in my senior year and I was dreading them all.
I love them a lot.

This last summer I picked up the pieces to one of the worst heartbreaks I never expected from people who falsely claimed they loved me, that I was their family, their friend, and that I could count on them.
I did the math and the number of them still in my life is zero though sporadically they contact me.

Last year I wasn't sure I believed in anything and did not consider myself Catholic.
This year I've been to mass a few Sundays.

I'm not in the best place right now. I'm seeing what matters to people and it certainly is not the well being of others. Love is a lie we imitate poorly and anyone who has it for real is just being set up to be burned. I know someone reading this may think 'oh she just hasn't had love yet' but oh, yes I have. I've loved in ways most people only dream of and I believed the lie that others loved me too. That certain bonds couldn't be broken. That someone's word meant something. It doesn't. I've had my heart ripped, burned, scarred, broken, shattered, spit on and that's only the first layer of scar tissue.

I really don't think the way I love is meant for this world. It doesn't fit and living here hurts. I've been praying for guidance on the matter but the truth is

if you've got love you won't for much longer
if you've lost love it won't hurt much longer
if you're secure you're loved you'll be shaken
if you're lonely you won't be forever

because the only thing that's ever the same is change and we're all just lying to ease the pain that ebbs and wanes with the turning of the tides.

I wish I was better at the lie cause I think the truth may just kill me.