Peace

A summary of the last two weeks; growth, goodbyes, and blue skies.

I wrote one of the hardest messages to someone I loved a great deal yesterday. It was no easy feat and something I'd been struggling with since school started as to if things could go back, trying to make it work, and accepting sometimes we break each other and that can't be undone. I will miss this person greatly as I do every time I have to transition into a new phase in my life but I think it's best for both of us.

I feel a sense of peace about it. That now I can finish healing and stop worrying about texting too much, not enough, about coordinating times to hang out that never happened anyway, about something that has been lost for months now.

At the same time I realized how not close my extended family is last week. It was a shock because as foolish as it was I believed it was like it'd always been that they would fight, make up, and no matter what when push came to shove we'd be there for each other. That is not the case, and I'm making peace with that too.

I cannot force someone to care about me in the same way I can't keep giving all I've got to people who don't care.

I'm happy because resolution is the first step to complete healing and I'm proud because I never thought I'd have the strength to say goodbye to people. I typically haven't in the past. I seldom end things, but I have this time and I know it was right. The variety of connections ending served a purpose in my life, and I'm not exactly sure what that was just now, and I most likely won't be able to see the impact of it for a while but I do know this.

I will be better and stronger this way.
So will they.
I want only the best for them.
and now I can focus on my own future instead of the past.

Goodbyes are one of the hardest things about the human experience but holding onto something that no longer exists is one of the worst things we do to ourselves. I'm not self sabotaging anymore and I know what I deserve and it's better than what fragments were there and now I'm looking forward to blue skies.

Til next time....