A summary of the last two weeks; growth, goodbyes, and blue skies.
I wrote one of the hardest messages to someone I loved a great deal yesterday. It was no easy feat and something I'd been struggling with since school started as to if things could go back, trying to make it work, and accepting sometimes we break each other and that can't be undone. I will miss this person greatly as I do every time I have to transition into a new phase in my life but I think it's best for both of us.
I feel a sense of peace about it. That now I can finish healing and stop worrying about texting too much, not enough, about coordinating times to hang out that never happened anyway, about something that has been lost for months now.
At the same time I realized how not close my extended family is last week. It was a shock because as foolish as it was I believed it was like it'd always been that they would fight, make up, and no matter what when push came to shove we'd be there for each other. That is not the case, and I'm making peace with that too.
I cannot force someone to care about me in the same way I can't keep giving all I've got to people who don't care.
I'm happy because resolution is the first step to complete healing and I'm proud because I never thought I'd have the strength to say goodbye to people. I typically haven't in the past. I seldom end things, but I have this time and I know it was right. The variety of connections ending served a purpose in my life, and I'm not exactly sure what that was just now, and I most likely won't be able to see the impact of it for a while but I do know this.
I will be better and stronger this way.
So will they.
I want only the best for them.
and now I can focus on my own future instead of the past.
Goodbyes are one of the hardest things about the human experience but holding onto something that no longer exists is one of the worst things we do to ourselves. I'm not self sabotaging anymore and I know what I deserve and it's better than what fragments were there and now I'm looking forward to blue skies.
Til next time....
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The only thing you can count on is change
One week ago I found out via facebook someone I loved was very sick.
Today he is stable and hopefully getting better.
One month ago classes started in my senior year and I was dreading them all.
I love them a lot.
This last summer I picked up the pieces to one of the worst heartbreaks I never expected from people who falsely claimed they loved me, that I was their family, their friend, and that I could count on them.
I did the math and the number of them still in my life is zero though sporadically they contact me.
Last year I wasn't sure I believed in anything and did not consider myself Catholic.
This year I've been to mass a few Sundays.
I'm not in the best place right now. I'm seeing what matters to people and it certainly is not the well being of others. Love is a lie we imitate poorly and anyone who has it for real is just being set up to be burned. I know someone reading this may think 'oh she just hasn't had love yet' but oh, yes I have. I've loved in ways most people only dream of and I believed the lie that others loved me too. That certain bonds couldn't be broken. That someone's word meant something. It doesn't. I've had my heart ripped, burned, scarred, broken, shattered, spit on and that's only the first layer of scar tissue.
I really don't think the way I love is meant for this world. It doesn't fit and living here hurts. I've been praying for guidance on the matter but the truth is
if you've got love you won't for much longer
if you've lost love it won't hurt much longer
if you're secure you're loved you'll be shaken
if you're lonely you won't be forever
because the only thing that's ever the same is change and we're all just lying to ease the pain that ebbs and wanes with the turning of the tides.
I wish I was better at the lie cause I think the truth may just kill me.
Today he is stable and hopefully getting better.
One month ago classes started in my senior year and I was dreading them all.
I love them a lot.
This last summer I picked up the pieces to one of the worst heartbreaks I never expected from people who falsely claimed they loved me, that I was their family, their friend, and that I could count on them.
I did the math and the number of them still in my life is zero though sporadically they contact me.
Last year I wasn't sure I believed in anything and did not consider myself Catholic.
This year I've been to mass a few Sundays.
I'm not in the best place right now. I'm seeing what matters to people and it certainly is not the well being of others. Love is a lie we imitate poorly and anyone who has it for real is just being set up to be burned. I know someone reading this may think 'oh she just hasn't had love yet' but oh, yes I have. I've loved in ways most people only dream of and I believed the lie that others loved me too. That certain bonds couldn't be broken. That someone's word meant something. It doesn't. I've had my heart ripped, burned, scarred, broken, shattered, spit on and that's only the first layer of scar tissue.
I really don't think the way I love is meant for this world. It doesn't fit and living here hurts. I've been praying for guidance on the matter but the truth is
if you've got love you won't for much longer
if you've lost love it won't hurt much longer
if you're secure you're loved you'll be shaken
if you're lonely you won't be forever
because the only thing that's ever the same is change and we're all just lying to ease the pain that ebbs and wanes with the turning of the tides.
I wish I was better at the lie cause I think the truth may just kill me.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Dr. Cornel West
I went to the speaker tonight on campus, Dr. Cornel West. He was remarkable. He was a fantastic speaker, a kind, wise, funny man who genuinely practiced what he preached while simultaneously respecting other views. He spoke of love, and not giving up, of holding on to hope despite no reason to. He emphasized the need to stop being a generation of ME ME ME right NOW NOW NOW. about loving people, completely with that risk of loss. He discussed the importance of not just getting a degree to brag and have STATUS, but to learn, to educate ourselves and truly be better than we were before we embarked on the journey of higher education.
This man changed me.
It's no secret I love. I love with all my heart. It is also no secret that particular flaw is ridiculed, usually daily, and that the very trait of loving has left me burned, scarred, and scared. I wrote in this blog no more than a post or two ago about how I thought I should stop caring about others for a while until I could figure out if 1. anyone could ever love like I do and 2. if it ever paid to care and 3. if it did who to give that love to.
I have been struggling with the me centered actions of saying no, of not doing all that I could, because no one else does. We all talk big like we do, but no. we. don't. We all say we care but no. we. don't. not like we could because it hurts to care, it is a hard and deliberate activity to love and care for others, particularly when we get nothing in return. However, in light of last year, and the 21 that preceded it I thought everyone else maybe had it right. I shouldn't care like I do. I was the one who was wrong to believe love could matter, that I was wrong to give all I had into the parts of my life that educated me but didn't give me a grade or a score.
Cornel West showed me I wasn't wrong.
More than that though, he showed me that I am not alone. He is the first person who spoke the ideals I carry in my heart and get labeled a hippie, wussy, emotional, too invested and so on. He has earned respect and I am a no body, but that doesn't particularly matter either. I am not alone.
There are others who do in fact care and love, thrive, and live for those deep discussions, who find American culture on a serious and dangerous slope of self involved, materialistic, unmotivated, surface, status driven people. They are the majority, but others exist.
We are not alone, and I have hope.
Hope that some day our newspapers may actually report news, instead of which celebrity is dating who, or what style is in, and yes I do enjoy fashion, trashy tv, and other such vices, BUT IN SMALL AMOUNTS. It doesn't comprise the entirety of my life, not even close. I spend most of my time thinking. Considering my past, my present, and my future. I contemplate what a movie is saying, what our society is doing, and the silliness that prevails in what should be a scholarly environment. I consider human nature, the beauty of the written word. I am not as I appear, because to appear thoughtful, insightful, and overly invested is to mark yourself as an outsider. I've become more than a little skilled at portraying the easy cliches and mindless conversations that are expected of me and I've had to because I believed that despite those far and few between remarkable conversations that this was all there was. That I would never find another person who thought, felt, believed like I did.
Then I heard him speak and was reminded that no matter how dark a moment or even an entire life we are not alone. There are others. Others who care more than a little. Others who are moved to tears by a piece of music. Others who understand what matters.
While I can say that not everyone got the same impact I did (two obnoxious girls were texting with sound on, and whining LOUDLY how long the talk was) I can say, confidently, someone was changed. Someone was reignited with hope, passion, and determination.
I know because I was a someone, and I know that I wasn't alone.
This man changed me.
It's no secret I love. I love with all my heart. It is also no secret that particular flaw is ridiculed, usually daily, and that the very trait of loving has left me burned, scarred, and scared. I wrote in this blog no more than a post or two ago about how I thought I should stop caring about others for a while until I could figure out if 1. anyone could ever love like I do and 2. if it ever paid to care and 3. if it did who to give that love to.
I have been struggling with the me centered actions of saying no, of not doing all that I could, because no one else does. We all talk big like we do, but no. we. don't. We all say we care but no. we. don't. not like we could because it hurts to care, it is a hard and deliberate activity to love and care for others, particularly when we get nothing in return. However, in light of last year, and the 21 that preceded it I thought everyone else maybe had it right. I shouldn't care like I do. I was the one who was wrong to believe love could matter, that I was wrong to give all I had into the parts of my life that educated me but didn't give me a grade or a score.
Cornel West showed me I wasn't wrong.
More than that though, he showed me that I am not alone. He is the first person who spoke the ideals I carry in my heart and get labeled a hippie, wussy, emotional, too invested and so on. He has earned respect and I am a no body, but that doesn't particularly matter either. I am not alone.
There are others who do in fact care and love, thrive, and live for those deep discussions, who find American culture on a serious and dangerous slope of self involved, materialistic, unmotivated, surface, status driven people. They are the majority, but others exist.
We are not alone, and I have hope.
Hope that some day our newspapers may actually report news, instead of which celebrity is dating who, or what style is in, and yes I do enjoy fashion, trashy tv, and other such vices, BUT IN SMALL AMOUNTS. It doesn't comprise the entirety of my life, not even close. I spend most of my time thinking. Considering my past, my present, and my future. I contemplate what a movie is saying, what our society is doing, and the silliness that prevails in what should be a scholarly environment. I consider human nature, the beauty of the written word. I am not as I appear, because to appear thoughtful, insightful, and overly invested is to mark yourself as an outsider. I've become more than a little skilled at portraying the easy cliches and mindless conversations that are expected of me and I've had to because I believed that despite those far and few between remarkable conversations that this was all there was. That I would never find another person who thought, felt, believed like I did.
Then I heard him speak and was reminded that no matter how dark a moment or even an entire life we are not alone. There are others. Others who care more than a little. Others who are moved to tears by a piece of music. Others who understand what matters.
While I can say that not everyone got the same impact I did (two obnoxious girls were texting with sound on, and whining LOUDLY how long the talk was) I can say, confidently, someone was changed. Someone was reignited with hope, passion, and determination.
I know because I was a someone, and I know that I wasn't alone.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Snapshot!
So obviously throughout life we evolve and so do our interests so for this blog I thought I'd take a look at top ten things that make me happy and the top ten favorites so, in a specific order:
Top 10 Things That Make Me Happy:
1. God
2. My family, particularly my dad
3. Serious/deep/thought provoking conversations
4.My roommates
5. Volunteering
6. Having moments that make me pause, realize how petty my problems are, and feel enormously grateful for my blessings.
7. shopping
8. Fall
9. a good laugh
10.reading for fun/learning
Top 10 Favorite things:
1. color - purple
2. past time - reading for fun
3. class - the dangerous 18th century and/or public finance (ironically the two I expected to like the least)
4. weekly occurrence -the turn out at our weekly STLF meetings
5. Movie - Dirty Dancing
6. TV Show - the new girl
7. food - spinach and tomato pizza
8. drink - caramel macciato(no idea how to spell that) from starbucks
9. my future - it's super open which is a little scary but mostly exciting
10. learning - current lesson, who trust, how much to trust, and when to love
There is a snapshot of 22(honing in on 23 in a few months) me. My life is good, and I am so blessed. I feel bad when I let days like yesterday when little things go wrong all day cause me to forget that. I am healthy, I am young, I am smart, I have a good skill set, I am loved, I have good shelter, I have my faith, I have plenty of healthy food. I am blessed.
My biggest struggle right now is figuring out who to let in my life, in what capacity, who to trust and to what extent, and attempting to pull myself back from relationships - current and past - where I clearly was the one loving/caring/working more than the other person. It occurs to me I am no one's number one, but I let so many people be mine and I think that I need to be my number one. For now at least, until I can get a handle on how to open my heart again and who to open it to I need to love me most (excluding family and God obviously). I don't love this idea, but I don't think anyone can love us more than ourselves. I have an enormous capacity to love, and I do. When I love someone, friends included, I love their flaws, their assets, their insecurities, and I see them honestly but lovingly. I don't ask them to change because love doesn't demand such things, but I'm observing that this is not the norm and until I can sort out how to mesh my love with the rest of the world's definition I'm pulling it back and focusing it on me and my well being.
Til next time...
Top 10 Things That Make Me Happy:
1. God
2. My family, particularly my dad
3. Serious/deep/thought provoking conversations
4.My roommates
5. Volunteering
6. Having moments that make me pause, realize how petty my problems are, and feel enormously grateful for my blessings.
7. shopping
8. Fall
9. a good laugh
10.reading for fun/learning
Top 10 Favorite things:
1. color - purple
2. past time - reading for fun
3. class - the dangerous 18th century and/or public finance (ironically the two I expected to like the least)
4. weekly occurrence -the turn out at our weekly STLF meetings
5. Movie - Dirty Dancing
6. TV Show - the new girl
7. food - spinach and tomato pizza
8. drink - caramel macciato(no idea how to spell that) from starbucks
9. my future - it's super open which is a little scary but mostly exciting
10. learning - current lesson, who trust, how much to trust, and when to love
There is a snapshot of 22(honing in on 23 in a few months) me. My life is good, and I am so blessed. I feel bad when I let days like yesterday when little things go wrong all day cause me to forget that. I am healthy, I am young, I am smart, I have a good skill set, I am loved, I have good shelter, I have my faith, I have plenty of healthy food. I am blessed.
My biggest struggle right now is figuring out who to let in my life, in what capacity, who to trust and to what extent, and attempting to pull myself back from relationships - current and past - where I clearly was the one loving/caring/working more than the other person. It occurs to me I am no one's number one, but I let so many people be mine and I think that I need to be my number one. For now at least, until I can get a handle on how to open my heart again and who to open it to I need to love me most (excluding family and God obviously). I don't love this idea, but I don't think anyone can love us more than ourselves. I have an enormous capacity to love, and I do. When I love someone, friends included, I love their flaws, their assets, their insecurities, and I see them honestly but lovingly. I don't ask them to change because love doesn't demand such things, but I'm observing that this is not the norm and until I can sort out how to mesh my love with the rest of the world's definition I'm pulling it back and focusing it on me and my well being.
Til next time...
Monday, September 5, 2011
Ponderments of a University Senior
So, the first two weeks of classes are already done.
That's bananas.
Things are going really well. I still feel like I'm going high speed with STLF, School, friends, family, everything else, but I'm content about that.
My Econ classes are proving to be a handful but I'm putting forth the effort and prepared to take a tutor if need be. Otherwise my other classes are legit. For my honors class I'm making a pirate themed newsletter. It's more than a little B.A.
STLF is going strong, still cleanin up some stuff, but basically good interest and good word of mouth so far. So I'm excited about that. Still scanning for my replacement to phase in.
In exciting news:
1. I got awarded a scholarship again which I'm so grateful for because my finances needed the help having been unemployed for a good while now.
2. I'm getting my second tattoo as soon as this friday. It's going to be small filled in silhouettes of birds with 'rise above' written through them in simply slightly messy cursive. It has significant meaning to me mostly regarding rising above the pain from those who have hurt me, but also to never (or attempt to never) get caught in the bad choices and hurtful actions of others. I know what I'm worth and that's all I need. I don't need to spit back their spiteful words or attacks, but to rise above and always move on and a reminder to who I am.
Beyond that I haven't really given a lot of thought to graduating and that's a bit scary. I will need a job. Don't know where or doing what. Open to whatever and wherever God takes me because at this point my best option as I see it is to do what I can being the best me this year and trust he'll guide me to my next great adventure in the month of come what may.
Til next time....
That's bananas.
Things are going really well. I still feel like I'm going high speed with STLF, School, friends, family, everything else, but I'm content about that.
My Econ classes are proving to be a handful but I'm putting forth the effort and prepared to take a tutor if need be. Otherwise my other classes are legit. For my honors class I'm making a pirate themed newsletter. It's more than a little B.A.
STLF is going strong, still cleanin up some stuff, but basically good interest and good word of mouth so far. So I'm excited about that. Still scanning for my replacement to phase in.
In exciting news:
1. I got awarded a scholarship again which I'm so grateful for because my finances needed the help having been unemployed for a good while now.
2. I'm getting my second tattoo as soon as this friday. It's going to be small filled in silhouettes of birds with 'rise above' written through them in simply slightly messy cursive. It has significant meaning to me mostly regarding rising above the pain from those who have hurt me, but also to never (or attempt to never) get caught in the bad choices and hurtful actions of others. I know what I'm worth and that's all I need. I don't need to spit back their spiteful words or attacks, but to rise above and always move on and a reminder to who I am.
Beyond that I haven't really given a lot of thought to graduating and that's a bit scary. I will need a job. Don't know where or doing what. Open to whatever and wherever God takes me because at this point my best option as I see it is to do what I can being the best me this year and trust he'll guide me to my next great adventure in the month of come what may.
Til next time....
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