Just got a huge part of one of my classes done. Presentation style. It was relatively good. I'd have given myself a B. Not too shabby.
Essentially this week is my finals week. I have the most stuff happening/wrapping up this week. Next week is a lot calmer, and all my classes are wrapped by next Friday Dec. 9th so this is the time to rockstar it up and hammer it out.
However, as a reward, and incentive I've purchased a few books to read over Christmas break. Here they are:
1. 2048: Humanity's Agreement to Live Together
2. Hope on a Tightrope: Words and Wisdom
3. The Unheard Truth: Poverty and Human Rights
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
It's been awhile
Why Hello Blog World!
Yes it has been a while since I last posted, and since so many things have been happening I'll rock it bullet point style
Yes it has been a while since I last posted, and since so many things have been happening I'll rock it bullet point style
- I got a job that I love. SO MUCH. It is the highlight of most of my days.
- I have a seriously brutal week this week, followed by a calmer next week with all my finals finishing on the 9th. awhoa.
- My grad school app is coming along fairly nicely
- I didn't buy any gifts on black friday but I rocked in some nice prices for myself.
- My Christmas shopping is mostly done
- I may hit my bucket list goal of reading 52 books in a year
- I'm excited for the future
- Life is good.
- My relationship with God keeps evolving and it's what I'm most grateful for.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Moments like tonight make me grateful to be alive
Tonight STLF opened it's weekly meeting and doors to the campus to decorate bras for bras on broadway and had an incredible turn out. Great energy, funny moments, creative bras, and all for a great cause! After a committed hour of bra decorating the number slowed down and we started to clean up which was a process for sure, and we were leaving at about 9:50.
We swing by the group office and are like ' huh, free pie sounds great' and a lovely friend points out we have ten minutes to get there to squeak in under the free pie deadline. So we RUN. we run to drop off bras, we then sprint to a car (people dressed as mario brothers characters held doors) get there at 9:59. We got our free pie and enjoyed spectacular laughs, stories, and pie.
It's really those out of the blue, nearly didn't happen, great moments that I so love life for. I know tonight will be on my top college memories list and I'm grateful for it.
On top of which life has been so great for me lately, not in a boastful way, and I pray life is good for everyone reading this too, just in a much needed way. The past pain of the last several months is passing, the drama subsiding and I'm happy. I have a new exciting job on campus, my classes are all going really well and are fun, I'm loving time with friends, and I'm in a really great place with my faith.
I'm so, so grateful for my life right now. For tonight, for the activism, social awareness, and good deeds that seem to surround my life lately, for my friends, for adventures, for everything.
for dark days here's a blog to remember it gets better after the storm, no matter how long that storm may have been.
We swing by the group office and are like ' huh, free pie sounds great' and a lovely friend points out we have ten minutes to get there to squeak in under the free pie deadline. So we RUN. we run to drop off bras, we then sprint to a car (people dressed as mario brothers characters held doors) get there at 9:59. We got our free pie and enjoyed spectacular laughs, stories, and pie.
It's really those out of the blue, nearly didn't happen, great moments that I so love life for. I know tonight will be on my top college memories list and I'm grateful for it.
On top of which life has been so great for me lately, not in a boastful way, and I pray life is good for everyone reading this too, just in a much needed way. The past pain of the last several months is passing, the drama subsiding and I'm happy. I have a new exciting job on campus, my classes are all going really well and are fun, I'm loving time with friends, and I'm in a really great place with my faith.
I'm so, so grateful for my life right now. For tonight, for the activism, social awareness, and good deeds that seem to surround my life lately, for my friends, for adventures, for everything.
for dark days here's a blog to remember it gets better after the storm, no matter how long that storm may have been.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
I'm Still Kicking!
I swear! Last week was midterms, leadership week, job interview, and fall breather SO blogging, sadly has been bumped off my list, but it's back now!
I'm not writing much right now cause I don't wanna jinx something, but I'll write about it probably friday or saturday so look out for that.
I'm well. I'm focused on the future, I'm focusing on self improvement and growth, and I'm focusing on school. I'm pleased with the choice so far.
Hoping you're well.
xoxo,
me
I'm not writing much right now cause I don't wanna jinx something, but I'll write about it probably friday or saturday so look out for that.
I'm well. I'm focused on the future, I'm focusing on self improvement and growth, and I'm focusing on school. I'm pleased with the choice so far.
Hoping you're well.
xoxo,
me
Monday, September 26, 2011
Peace
A summary of the last two weeks; growth, goodbyes, and blue skies.
I wrote one of the hardest messages to someone I loved a great deal yesterday. It was no easy feat and something I'd been struggling with since school started as to if things could go back, trying to make it work, and accepting sometimes we break each other and that can't be undone. I will miss this person greatly as I do every time I have to transition into a new phase in my life but I think it's best for both of us.
I feel a sense of peace about it. That now I can finish healing and stop worrying about texting too much, not enough, about coordinating times to hang out that never happened anyway, about something that has been lost for months now.
At the same time I realized how not close my extended family is last week. It was a shock because as foolish as it was I believed it was like it'd always been that they would fight, make up, and no matter what when push came to shove we'd be there for each other. That is not the case, and I'm making peace with that too.
I cannot force someone to care about me in the same way I can't keep giving all I've got to people who don't care.
I'm happy because resolution is the first step to complete healing and I'm proud because I never thought I'd have the strength to say goodbye to people. I typically haven't in the past. I seldom end things, but I have this time and I know it was right. The variety of connections ending served a purpose in my life, and I'm not exactly sure what that was just now, and I most likely won't be able to see the impact of it for a while but I do know this.
I will be better and stronger this way.
So will they.
I want only the best for them.
and now I can focus on my own future instead of the past.
Goodbyes are one of the hardest things about the human experience but holding onto something that no longer exists is one of the worst things we do to ourselves. I'm not self sabotaging anymore and I know what I deserve and it's better than what fragments were there and now I'm looking forward to blue skies.
Til next time....
I wrote one of the hardest messages to someone I loved a great deal yesterday. It was no easy feat and something I'd been struggling with since school started as to if things could go back, trying to make it work, and accepting sometimes we break each other and that can't be undone. I will miss this person greatly as I do every time I have to transition into a new phase in my life but I think it's best for both of us.
I feel a sense of peace about it. That now I can finish healing and stop worrying about texting too much, not enough, about coordinating times to hang out that never happened anyway, about something that has been lost for months now.
At the same time I realized how not close my extended family is last week. It was a shock because as foolish as it was I believed it was like it'd always been that they would fight, make up, and no matter what when push came to shove we'd be there for each other. That is not the case, and I'm making peace with that too.
I cannot force someone to care about me in the same way I can't keep giving all I've got to people who don't care.
I'm happy because resolution is the first step to complete healing and I'm proud because I never thought I'd have the strength to say goodbye to people. I typically haven't in the past. I seldom end things, but I have this time and I know it was right. The variety of connections ending served a purpose in my life, and I'm not exactly sure what that was just now, and I most likely won't be able to see the impact of it for a while but I do know this.
I will be better and stronger this way.
So will they.
I want only the best for them.
and now I can focus on my own future instead of the past.
Goodbyes are one of the hardest things about the human experience but holding onto something that no longer exists is one of the worst things we do to ourselves. I'm not self sabotaging anymore and I know what I deserve and it's better than what fragments were there and now I'm looking forward to blue skies.
Til next time....
Sunday, September 25, 2011
The only thing you can count on is change
One week ago I found out via facebook someone I loved was very sick.
Today he is stable and hopefully getting better.
One month ago classes started in my senior year and I was dreading them all.
I love them a lot.
This last summer I picked up the pieces to one of the worst heartbreaks I never expected from people who falsely claimed they loved me, that I was their family, their friend, and that I could count on them.
I did the math and the number of them still in my life is zero though sporadically they contact me.
Last year I wasn't sure I believed in anything and did not consider myself Catholic.
This year I've been to mass a few Sundays.
I'm not in the best place right now. I'm seeing what matters to people and it certainly is not the well being of others. Love is a lie we imitate poorly and anyone who has it for real is just being set up to be burned. I know someone reading this may think 'oh she just hasn't had love yet' but oh, yes I have. I've loved in ways most people only dream of and I believed the lie that others loved me too. That certain bonds couldn't be broken. That someone's word meant something. It doesn't. I've had my heart ripped, burned, scarred, broken, shattered, spit on and that's only the first layer of scar tissue.
I really don't think the way I love is meant for this world. It doesn't fit and living here hurts. I've been praying for guidance on the matter but the truth is
if you've got love you won't for much longer
if you've lost love it won't hurt much longer
if you're secure you're loved you'll be shaken
if you're lonely you won't be forever
because the only thing that's ever the same is change and we're all just lying to ease the pain that ebbs and wanes with the turning of the tides.
I wish I was better at the lie cause I think the truth may just kill me.
Today he is stable and hopefully getting better.
One month ago classes started in my senior year and I was dreading them all.
I love them a lot.
This last summer I picked up the pieces to one of the worst heartbreaks I never expected from people who falsely claimed they loved me, that I was their family, their friend, and that I could count on them.
I did the math and the number of them still in my life is zero though sporadically they contact me.
Last year I wasn't sure I believed in anything and did not consider myself Catholic.
This year I've been to mass a few Sundays.
I'm not in the best place right now. I'm seeing what matters to people and it certainly is not the well being of others. Love is a lie we imitate poorly and anyone who has it for real is just being set up to be burned. I know someone reading this may think 'oh she just hasn't had love yet' but oh, yes I have. I've loved in ways most people only dream of and I believed the lie that others loved me too. That certain bonds couldn't be broken. That someone's word meant something. It doesn't. I've had my heart ripped, burned, scarred, broken, shattered, spit on and that's only the first layer of scar tissue.
I really don't think the way I love is meant for this world. It doesn't fit and living here hurts. I've been praying for guidance on the matter but the truth is
if you've got love you won't for much longer
if you've lost love it won't hurt much longer
if you're secure you're loved you'll be shaken
if you're lonely you won't be forever
because the only thing that's ever the same is change and we're all just lying to ease the pain that ebbs and wanes with the turning of the tides.
I wish I was better at the lie cause I think the truth may just kill me.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Dr. Cornel West
I went to the speaker tonight on campus, Dr. Cornel West. He was remarkable. He was a fantastic speaker, a kind, wise, funny man who genuinely practiced what he preached while simultaneously respecting other views. He spoke of love, and not giving up, of holding on to hope despite no reason to. He emphasized the need to stop being a generation of ME ME ME right NOW NOW NOW. about loving people, completely with that risk of loss. He discussed the importance of not just getting a degree to brag and have STATUS, but to learn, to educate ourselves and truly be better than we were before we embarked on the journey of higher education.
This man changed me.
It's no secret I love. I love with all my heart. It is also no secret that particular flaw is ridiculed, usually daily, and that the very trait of loving has left me burned, scarred, and scared. I wrote in this blog no more than a post or two ago about how I thought I should stop caring about others for a while until I could figure out if 1. anyone could ever love like I do and 2. if it ever paid to care and 3. if it did who to give that love to.
I have been struggling with the me centered actions of saying no, of not doing all that I could, because no one else does. We all talk big like we do, but no. we. don't. We all say we care but no. we. don't. not like we could because it hurts to care, it is a hard and deliberate activity to love and care for others, particularly when we get nothing in return. However, in light of last year, and the 21 that preceded it I thought everyone else maybe had it right. I shouldn't care like I do. I was the one who was wrong to believe love could matter, that I was wrong to give all I had into the parts of my life that educated me but didn't give me a grade or a score.
Cornel West showed me I wasn't wrong.
More than that though, he showed me that I am not alone. He is the first person who spoke the ideals I carry in my heart and get labeled a hippie, wussy, emotional, too invested and so on. He has earned respect and I am a no body, but that doesn't particularly matter either. I am not alone.
There are others who do in fact care and love, thrive, and live for those deep discussions, who find American culture on a serious and dangerous slope of self involved, materialistic, unmotivated, surface, status driven people. They are the majority, but others exist.
We are not alone, and I have hope.
Hope that some day our newspapers may actually report news, instead of which celebrity is dating who, or what style is in, and yes I do enjoy fashion, trashy tv, and other such vices, BUT IN SMALL AMOUNTS. It doesn't comprise the entirety of my life, not even close. I spend most of my time thinking. Considering my past, my present, and my future. I contemplate what a movie is saying, what our society is doing, and the silliness that prevails in what should be a scholarly environment. I consider human nature, the beauty of the written word. I am not as I appear, because to appear thoughtful, insightful, and overly invested is to mark yourself as an outsider. I've become more than a little skilled at portraying the easy cliches and mindless conversations that are expected of me and I've had to because I believed that despite those far and few between remarkable conversations that this was all there was. That I would never find another person who thought, felt, believed like I did.
Then I heard him speak and was reminded that no matter how dark a moment or even an entire life we are not alone. There are others. Others who care more than a little. Others who are moved to tears by a piece of music. Others who understand what matters.
While I can say that not everyone got the same impact I did (two obnoxious girls were texting with sound on, and whining LOUDLY how long the talk was) I can say, confidently, someone was changed. Someone was reignited with hope, passion, and determination.
I know because I was a someone, and I know that I wasn't alone.
This man changed me.
It's no secret I love. I love with all my heart. It is also no secret that particular flaw is ridiculed, usually daily, and that the very trait of loving has left me burned, scarred, and scared. I wrote in this blog no more than a post or two ago about how I thought I should stop caring about others for a while until I could figure out if 1. anyone could ever love like I do and 2. if it ever paid to care and 3. if it did who to give that love to.
I have been struggling with the me centered actions of saying no, of not doing all that I could, because no one else does. We all talk big like we do, but no. we. don't. We all say we care but no. we. don't. not like we could because it hurts to care, it is a hard and deliberate activity to love and care for others, particularly when we get nothing in return. However, in light of last year, and the 21 that preceded it I thought everyone else maybe had it right. I shouldn't care like I do. I was the one who was wrong to believe love could matter, that I was wrong to give all I had into the parts of my life that educated me but didn't give me a grade or a score.
Cornel West showed me I wasn't wrong.
More than that though, he showed me that I am not alone. He is the first person who spoke the ideals I carry in my heart and get labeled a hippie, wussy, emotional, too invested and so on. He has earned respect and I am a no body, but that doesn't particularly matter either. I am not alone.
There are others who do in fact care and love, thrive, and live for those deep discussions, who find American culture on a serious and dangerous slope of self involved, materialistic, unmotivated, surface, status driven people. They are the majority, but others exist.
We are not alone, and I have hope.
Hope that some day our newspapers may actually report news, instead of which celebrity is dating who, or what style is in, and yes I do enjoy fashion, trashy tv, and other such vices, BUT IN SMALL AMOUNTS. It doesn't comprise the entirety of my life, not even close. I spend most of my time thinking. Considering my past, my present, and my future. I contemplate what a movie is saying, what our society is doing, and the silliness that prevails in what should be a scholarly environment. I consider human nature, the beauty of the written word. I am not as I appear, because to appear thoughtful, insightful, and overly invested is to mark yourself as an outsider. I've become more than a little skilled at portraying the easy cliches and mindless conversations that are expected of me and I've had to because I believed that despite those far and few between remarkable conversations that this was all there was. That I would never find another person who thought, felt, believed like I did.
Then I heard him speak and was reminded that no matter how dark a moment or even an entire life we are not alone. There are others. Others who care more than a little. Others who are moved to tears by a piece of music. Others who understand what matters.
While I can say that not everyone got the same impact I did (two obnoxious girls were texting with sound on, and whining LOUDLY how long the talk was) I can say, confidently, someone was changed. Someone was reignited with hope, passion, and determination.
I know because I was a someone, and I know that I wasn't alone.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Snapshot!
So obviously throughout life we evolve and so do our interests so for this blog I thought I'd take a look at top ten things that make me happy and the top ten favorites so, in a specific order:
Top 10 Things That Make Me Happy:
1. God
2. My family, particularly my dad
3. Serious/deep/thought provoking conversations
4.My roommates
5. Volunteering
6. Having moments that make me pause, realize how petty my problems are, and feel enormously grateful for my blessings.
7. shopping
8. Fall
9. a good laugh
10.reading for fun/learning
Top 10 Favorite things:
1. color - purple
2. past time - reading for fun
3. class - the dangerous 18th century and/or public finance (ironically the two I expected to like the least)
4. weekly occurrence -the turn out at our weekly STLF meetings
5. Movie - Dirty Dancing
6. TV Show - the new girl
7. food - spinach and tomato pizza
8. drink - caramel macciato(no idea how to spell that) from starbucks
9. my future - it's super open which is a little scary but mostly exciting
10. learning - current lesson, who trust, how much to trust, and when to love
There is a snapshot of 22(honing in on 23 in a few months) me. My life is good, and I am so blessed. I feel bad when I let days like yesterday when little things go wrong all day cause me to forget that. I am healthy, I am young, I am smart, I have a good skill set, I am loved, I have good shelter, I have my faith, I have plenty of healthy food. I am blessed.
My biggest struggle right now is figuring out who to let in my life, in what capacity, who to trust and to what extent, and attempting to pull myself back from relationships - current and past - where I clearly was the one loving/caring/working more than the other person. It occurs to me I am no one's number one, but I let so many people be mine and I think that I need to be my number one. For now at least, until I can get a handle on how to open my heart again and who to open it to I need to love me most (excluding family and God obviously). I don't love this idea, but I don't think anyone can love us more than ourselves. I have an enormous capacity to love, and I do. When I love someone, friends included, I love their flaws, their assets, their insecurities, and I see them honestly but lovingly. I don't ask them to change because love doesn't demand such things, but I'm observing that this is not the norm and until I can sort out how to mesh my love with the rest of the world's definition I'm pulling it back and focusing it on me and my well being.
Til next time...
Top 10 Things That Make Me Happy:
1. God
2. My family, particularly my dad
3. Serious/deep/thought provoking conversations
4.My roommates
5. Volunteering
6. Having moments that make me pause, realize how petty my problems are, and feel enormously grateful for my blessings.
7. shopping
8. Fall
9. a good laugh
10.reading for fun/learning
Top 10 Favorite things:
1. color - purple
2. past time - reading for fun
3. class - the dangerous 18th century and/or public finance (ironically the two I expected to like the least)
4. weekly occurrence -the turn out at our weekly STLF meetings
5. Movie - Dirty Dancing
6. TV Show - the new girl
7. food - spinach and tomato pizza
8. drink - caramel macciato(no idea how to spell that) from starbucks
9. my future - it's super open which is a little scary but mostly exciting
10. learning - current lesson, who trust, how much to trust, and when to love
There is a snapshot of 22(honing in on 23 in a few months) me. My life is good, and I am so blessed. I feel bad when I let days like yesterday when little things go wrong all day cause me to forget that. I am healthy, I am young, I am smart, I have a good skill set, I am loved, I have good shelter, I have my faith, I have plenty of healthy food. I am blessed.
My biggest struggle right now is figuring out who to let in my life, in what capacity, who to trust and to what extent, and attempting to pull myself back from relationships - current and past - where I clearly was the one loving/caring/working more than the other person. It occurs to me I am no one's number one, but I let so many people be mine and I think that I need to be my number one. For now at least, until I can get a handle on how to open my heart again and who to open it to I need to love me most (excluding family and God obviously). I don't love this idea, but I don't think anyone can love us more than ourselves. I have an enormous capacity to love, and I do. When I love someone, friends included, I love their flaws, their assets, their insecurities, and I see them honestly but lovingly. I don't ask them to change because love doesn't demand such things, but I'm observing that this is not the norm and until I can sort out how to mesh my love with the rest of the world's definition I'm pulling it back and focusing it on me and my well being.
Til next time...
Monday, September 5, 2011
Ponderments of a University Senior
So, the first two weeks of classes are already done.
That's bananas.
Things are going really well. I still feel like I'm going high speed with STLF, School, friends, family, everything else, but I'm content about that.
My Econ classes are proving to be a handful but I'm putting forth the effort and prepared to take a tutor if need be. Otherwise my other classes are legit. For my honors class I'm making a pirate themed newsletter. It's more than a little B.A.
STLF is going strong, still cleanin up some stuff, but basically good interest and good word of mouth so far. So I'm excited about that. Still scanning for my replacement to phase in.
In exciting news:
1. I got awarded a scholarship again which I'm so grateful for because my finances needed the help having been unemployed for a good while now.
2. I'm getting my second tattoo as soon as this friday. It's going to be small filled in silhouettes of birds with 'rise above' written through them in simply slightly messy cursive. It has significant meaning to me mostly regarding rising above the pain from those who have hurt me, but also to never (or attempt to never) get caught in the bad choices and hurtful actions of others. I know what I'm worth and that's all I need. I don't need to spit back their spiteful words or attacks, but to rise above and always move on and a reminder to who I am.
Beyond that I haven't really given a lot of thought to graduating and that's a bit scary. I will need a job. Don't know where or doing what. Open to whatever and wherever God takes me because at this point my best option as I see it is to do what I can being the best me this year and trust he'll guide me to my next great adventure in the month of come what may.
Til next time....
That's bananas.
Things are going really well. I still feel like I'm going high speed with STLF, School, friends, family, everything else, but I'm content about that.
My Econ classes are proving to be a handful but I'm putting forth the effort and prepared to take a tutor if need be. Otherwise my other classes are legit. For my honors class I'm making a pirate themed newsletter. It's more than a little B.A.
STLF is going strong, still cleanin up some stuff, but basically good interest and good word of mouth so far. So I'm excited about that. Still scanning for my replacement to phase in.
In exciting news:
1. I got awarded a scholarship again which I'm so grateful for because my finances needed the help having been unemployed for a good while now.
2. I'm getting my second tattoo as soon as this friday. It's going to be small filled in silhouettes of birds with 'rise above' written through them in simply slightly messy cursive. It has significant meaning to me mostly regarding rising above the pain from those who have hurt me, but also to never (or attempt to never) get caught in the bad choices and hurtful actions of others. I know what I'm worth and that's all I need. I don't need to spit back their spiteful words or attacks, but to rise above and always move on and a reminder to who I am.
Beyond that I haven't really given a lot of thought to graduating and that's a bit scary. I will need a job. Don't know where or doing what. Open to whatever and wherever God takes me because at this point my best option as I see it is to do what I can being the best me this year and trust he'll guide me to my next great adventure in the month of come what may.
Til next time....
Saturday, August 27, 2011
Sometimes I wonder...
I wonder if anyone else really loves the same way I do. Completely and not just with who they should. Not to just a romantic interest, but to a friend, to a person in need, to a fall afternoon, to anyone who ever had to wonder if they were loved, and even to the ones who knew they were.
I love moments with the same intensity that someone loves a spouse.
I cry at movies because I feel the characters and the stories and the millions of very real people they represent.
I can't actually watch the episode of grey's anatomy where there's a gunman because somewhere, all to often, it is real - and seeing it tears my heart apart.
My only regret about having to someday die is that I only get one life to give to trying to make the place better for the future.
Shows like criminal minds make me physically sick because people actually commit these acts and I can't stop them and that pain scares me to the point of illness.
I'm not ashamed of the way I am, in fact I like to think sometimes I remind people of how they used to feel about those things before the world and media desensitized them, but despite my acceptance I wonder...
...Will there every be any person; friend, lover, husband, coworker who will ever experience the world like I do, and if they can't, would they ever be able to accept the fact that I do?
So far no one has outside my family (and even they struggle, regularly), though I'd believed otherwise 4 times now(1 boyfriend, 3 friends), it always ends the same. I have a broken heart and another ended relationship. My dad guesses someday I'll find a man I can tolerate because he's never met anyone who cares like me and advises I don't hold my breath.
I pray he's wrong, despite his wisdom, I pray he's wrong because my best asset is my heart and it seems a shame it should go a lifetime without sharing that love; unconditional, accepting, honest, love.
And as selfish as it is, it seems a shame that it should never know that love either.
I love moments with the same intensity that someone loves a spouse.
I cry at movies because I feel the characters and the stories and the millions of very real people they represent.
I can't actually watch the episode of grey's anatomy where there's a gunman because somewhere, all to often, it is real - and seeing it tears my heart apart.
My only regret about having to someday die is that I only get one life to give to trying to make the place better for the future.
Shows like criminal minds make me physically sick because people actually commit these acts and I can't stop them and that pain scares me to the point of illness.
I'm not ashamed of the way I am, in fact I like to think sometimes I remind people of how they used to feel about those things before the world and media desensitized them, but despite my acceptance I wonder...
...Will there every be any person; friend, lover, husband, coworker who will ever experience the world like I do, and if they can't, would they ever be able to accept the fact that I do?
So far no one has outside my family (and even they struggle, regularly), though I'd believed otherwise 4 times now(1 boyfriend, 3 friends), it always ends the same. I have a broken heart and another ended relationship. My dad guesses someday I'll find a man I can tolerate because he's never met anyone who cares like me and advises I don't hold my breath.
I pray he's wrong, despite his wisdom, I pray he's wrong because my best asset is my heart and it seems a shame it should go a lifetime without sharing that love; unconditional, accepting, honest, love.
And as selfish as it is, it seems a shame that it should never know that love either.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Mixed Bag
So my first week in my final year at University is about to end. It's an odd feeling. I think it's been mostly good - well wait - I'll check:
The Good:
All great professors ( SCORE )
Good classes, excluding one potentially dull one
TONS of friend time
Lots of laughs
Have done 3 things I have never done before at school
Wildly successful first STLF meeting
Working with some of the best people I've ever worked with
No bumps in the logistics of starting this new year
Working with other orgs
Tortilla soup is back
My growing and evolving relationship with God(by far the best thing I got from the last onslaught of heartbreaks)
The Bad:
Some STLF messiness from the past that needs to/is getting cleared up (though that could be a good too)
Still broke
Some things seem to never change
I'm confused about what the right thing is in a few areas of my life
Awkward run ins
Yeah, so it is a mixed bag, but it's mostly good. I'm excited about the opportunity to build/rebuild an org that matters to me, I'm excited to focus on school, I'm excited about the sweet roommates I have this year, I'm excited that my theme for this year is to do new things I've never done (at least one a week) but there's still some things and some people that I'm uncertain about, some patterns I'm worried about, and some other stuff.
Every new start had to start with a first step, and this year is mine.
I am proud of me.
The Good:
All great professors ( SCORE )
Good classes, excluding one potentially dull one
TONS of friend time
Lots of laughs
Have done 3 things I have never done before at school
Wildly successful first STLF meeting
Working with some of the best people I've ever worked with
No bumps in the logistics of starting this new year
Working with other orgs
Tortilla soup is back
My growing and evolving relationship with God(by far the best thing I got from the last onslaught of heartbreaks)
The Bad:
Some STLF messiness from the past that needs to/is getting cleared up (though that could be a good too)
Still broke
Some things seem to never change
I'm confused about what the right thing is in a few areas of my life
Awkward run ins
Yeah, so it is a mixed bag, but it's mostly good. I'm excited about the opportunity to build/rebuild an org that matters to me, I'm excited to focus on school, I'm excited about the sweet roommates I have this year, I'm excited that my theme for this year is to do new things I've never done (at least one a week) but there's still some things and some people that I'm uncertain about, some patterns I'm worried about, and some other stuff.
Every new start had to start with a first step, and this year is mine.
I am proud of me.
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Deja Viste
It's like Deja Vu except it doesn't mean a feeling of already seeing something it means a sense of already being at a place before.
Literally I have been at this place before. Moorhead is where I spend a great deal of my time, or have, over the last three years and it is good to be back, but I'm also feeling the past pain from this place. I have loved a lot of people in this town, and lost them.
I have gotten the news of a lot of pain in this place; several deaths, bad dates, lost friendships, almost lovers, actual lovers.
I know when I start seeing people again, and meet my roommate and reunite with my other two roommates I'll be happy and I'll be okay because I am now. I just didn't expect that overwhelming feeling of ache. I forget how strongly a place can hold emotions and memories.
Having been through this process before I know that once I start making new memories this feeling will subside, and likely by tomorrow it will have passed, but right now, my God, does it ache.
On the plus side I've partly decorated my room, almost completely unpacked, and have made a plan for a very productive Monday so I can spend the better part of this week just relaxing before the chaos of school resumes in one week from tomorrow.
That's really all I have, I just wanted to capture that moment in the healing process so the next time I can be comforted by knowing it gets better and I'll be okay.
Often it comes in waves; crashing, relentless, desperate waves
the memories I’d meant to forget but never got around to.
the loved ones I never meant to forget but did
and the ones who made me believe, for the sweetest of seconds, that they loved me, and that’d be enough (picture mine, Normandy France)
Literally I have been at this place before. Moorhead is where I spend a great deal of my time, or have, over the last three years and it is good to be back, but I'm also feeling the past pain from this place. I have loved a lot of people in this town, and lost them.
I have gotten the news of a lot of pain in this place; several deaths, bad dates, lost friendships, almost lovers, actual lovers.
I know when I start seeing people again, and meet my roommate and reunite with my other two roommates I'll be happy and I'll be okay because I am now. I just didn't expect that overwhelming feeling of ache. I forget how strongly a place can hold emotions and memories.
Having been through this process before I know that once I start making new memories this feeling will subside, and likely by tomorrow it will have passed, but right now, my God, does it ache.
On the plus side I've partly decorated my room, almost completely unpacked, and have made a plan for a very productive Monday so I can spend the better part of this week just relaxing before the chaos of school resumes in one week from tomorrow.
That's really all I have, I just wanted to capture that moment in the healing process so the next time I can be comforted by knowing it gets better and I'll be okay.
Friday, August 12, 2011
*TOP FIVE*Things I'm Over,Things I Can Never Get Over, and Things I'm Looking Forward To
Things I'm Over:
1. Thunderstorms - they have always made me anxious and fearsome, but for serious this summer has been a tad overachieving in this respect.
2.Moving - My family seems to move every 2-4 years, and I move in cycles of nine months, then three and I'm so sick of the hassle of it all. I have this year at Uni, then probably back to Alex waiting for peace corp response, then either going there for 2 and half years or saving money to move east and settle for at least a decade.
3. Glee being everything everywhere - I dig the show - or did, until it became EVERYWHERE - oh hey glee folders,notebooks,wallets,concerts,movie concerts, blah blah blah - it's like a kid star it's gonna have a good run then fizzle out before adulthood and probably hit up the hard drugs.
4. Tshirt weather. I long for a sweatshirt.
5. Being broke - I've had a good run at it, 22 years, I'd really like to explore the rich side of livin for a few years.
Things I Can Never Get Over:
1. How seriously good the last Harry Potter Movie was - I've seen it 3 times, and for that matter Harry Potter in general I've been rereading all the books and watching all the movies. Also how frign sexy Rupert Grint is.
2. Dirty Dancing - I hear a remake is in the works. I absolutely won't go it's a disgrace to the perfection that are Patrick Swayze (swoon) and Jennifer Grey.
3.Hot beverages. nuff said.
4. Creating anything.
5. The Hunger Games trilogy and how(hopefully) good the movies will be.
Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Having an amazing year at Uni, helping rebuild STLF, finishing up my internship, and boosting my grades - my nerd heart pitter patters at the very thought.
2. The start of the new shoe New Girl which looks so, so, SO hilarious - I'm already sold
3. Sweatshirt Weather
4. unpacking and nesting in my apt.
5. GRADUATION - 4 years, a lot of work, a few heartbreaks, and some great classes(plus some horrid ones) and it's in my sights and I'm so stoked though I'm still debating on walking or not.
1. Thunderstorms - they have always made me anxious and fearsome, but for serious this summer has been a tad overachieving in this respect.
2.Moving - My family seems to move every 2-4 years, and I move in cycles of nine months, then three and I'm so sick of the hassle of it all. I have this year at Uni, then probably back to Alex waiting for peace corp response, then either going there for 2 and half years or saving money to move east and settle for at least a decade.
3. Glee being everything everywhere - I dig the show - or did, until it became EVERYWHERE - oh hey glee folders,notebooks,wallets,concerts,movie concerts, blah blah blah - it's like a kid star it's gonna have a good run then fizzle out before adulthood and probably hit up the hard drugs.
4. Tshirt weather. I long for a sweatshirt.
5. Being broke - I've had a good run at it, 22 years, I'd really like to explore the rich side of livin for a few years.
Things I Can Never Get Over:
1. How seriously good the last Harry Potter Movie was - I've seen it 3 times, and for that matter Harry Potter in general I've been rereading all the books and watching all the movies. Also how frign sexy Rupert Grint is.
2. Dirty Dancing - I hear a remake is in the works. I absolutely won't go it's a disgrace to the perfection that are Patrick Swayze (swoon) and Jennifer Grey.
3.Hot beverages. nuff said.
4. Creating anything.
5. The Hunger Games trilogy and how(hopefully) good the movies will be.
Things I'm Looking Forward To:
1. Having an amazing year at Uni, helping rebuild STLF, finishing up my internship, and boosting my grades - my nerd heart pitter patters at the very thought.
2. The start of the new shoe New Girl which looks so, so, SO hilarious - I'm already sold
3. Sweatshirt Weather
4. unpacking and nesting in my apt.
5. GRADUATION - 4 years, a lot of work, a few heartbreaks, and some great classes(plus some horrid ones) and it's in my sights and I'm so stoked though I'm still debating on walking or not.
Friday, August 5, 2011
New Start
This week has flown by, but been rather exceptional.
Quick snapshot:
*Tumblr has made me it's bitch because it's like facebook,twitter,and stumbleupon had a threesome and fused all their best genes to produce this glorious, glorious site. (get one, join the habit, and follow me at chrisholla )
*A close second is TOMS. My TOMS shoes showed up and they are so glorious and I'm already planning on a second pair #awesome addictions
*I got a ton done on my internship - I have one thing to write and then just scheduling things, altering as firstlink asks me to, and promotion!
*I GOT A CAR. I will admit it is a bit of a piece; the gear shift is incorrectly marked so I can't look at it or I end up in neutral, the gas peddle is a smidge temperamental, the butt is high so it is an adjustment to use, it is definitely beat up, and perhaps it smells ever so faintly of pet (I have it on a febreeze regime to fix that) and driving it makes me feel like a newb again, I nearly hit the garbage can, the mailbox, some teenagers, a car, and that's it - on the plus side - it can only improve. Watch out FM area - you've been warned.
* I got my hair cut ...I think that was this week. It's truly a new me - only I've been all off on working out cause with all the packing there is not much room anywhere so I'm excited to get up to school and get back to the fantastic wellness center.
Quick snapshot:
*Tumblr has made me it's bitch because it's like facebook,twitter,and stumbleupon had a threesome and fused all their best genes to produce this glorious, glorious site. (get one, join the habit, and follow me at chrisholla )
*A close second is TOMS. My TOMS shoes showed up and they are so glorious and I'm already planning on a second pair #awesome addictions
*I got a ton done on my internship - I have one thing to write and then just scheduling things, altering as firstlink asks me to, and promotion!
*I GOT A CAR. I will admit it is a bit of a piece; the gear shift is incorrectly marked so I can't look at it or I end up in neutral, the gas peddle is a smidge temperamental, the butt is high so it is an adjustment to use, it is definitely beat up, and perhaps it smells ever so faintly of pet (I have it on a febreeze regime to fix that) and driving it makes me feel like a newb again, I nearly hit the garbage can, the mailbox, some teenagers, a car, and that's it - on the plus side - it can only improve. Watch out FM area - you've been warned.
* I got my hair cut ...I think that was this week. It's truly a new me - only I've been all off on working out cause with all the packing there is not much room anywhere so I'm excited to get up to school and get back to the fantastic wellness center.
Despite all that updating goodness the actual reason I am writing tonight (besides putting off washing the dishes) is because I found this fantastic quote/pic that hit a chord with me, especially in light of this year, summer, and week
This week in particular I went through a lot of changes, physical, emotional, and other, less easily described aspects. In particular an old friend contacted me and we got closure. We said kind goodbyes, and thank you for the memories and this week when I look back at the pictures, even those riddles with previous heartbreaks and former friends and it didn't hurt, because it didn't matter anymore. Like this saying illustrates I've left those pieces of my life, and heart behind and it has been so much easier to feel the sunshine without them.
In addition, as my old friend and I discussed, I couldn't and wouldn't be who I am now and I wouldn't be in this great place if I had stayed stuck in those relationships and friendships that didn't work, and often brought out the worst in each other - staying for the sake of staying seems so foolish now, though I can never see it at the time I hope next time I'll recall this saying and leave those pieces and move forward, into the sunshine.
Hoping you love and sunshine in your future!
P.S. any MSUMers out there, watch out for STLF this year on campus we got big things planned, starting with some sweet freebies at orientation! Look for our table!
Thursday, July 28, 2011
These Hands...
Are all I own. They are not yours, they are my own. - Jewel.
My cousin, childhood best friend and like brother Grant once said to me that he loved that song. At that point I began to think about that lyric. "These hands are all I own, they are not yours, they are my own." I come from a family of people who work with their hands. I come from a long line of musicians, quilters, carpenters, painters, artists, tile layers, knitters, crocheters, writers. We use our hands. I have such a connect to making things and appreciate more than anything something that is made because there is a beauty and always a love when someone creates something like that for you.
Just last week I made a coffee table with my dad. We collaboratively designed, crafted, assembled, and painted this. It is Hollermann through and through and as we worked together and I hours flew by without my noticing I thought about where my dad learned it, where his dad learned it, and so on. It means something to me that we made this together that I have become a part of that tradition in a new way. For everything my family isn't - we are at the heart a good, honest, capable hardworking people and I reconnected with that fact throughout it's production. I'm only sad I didn't get a chance to make more this summer with him, but I'm so, so grateful I got to do this.
Those are a few shots of the table top which is still drying but slowly getting there.
Those are a few shots of the entire finished table with quotes around the boarder that are all about being the change and other things that inspire me. This table was part of a transformation for me and I hope that this table will allow me to always come home and remember my roots, remember why I care like I do, and my focus in life.
Till Next Time...
My cousin, childhood best friend and like brother Grant once said to me that he loved that song. At that point I began to think about that lyric. "These hands are all I own, they are not yours, they are my own." I come from a family of people who work with their hands. I come from a long line of musicians, quilters, carpenters, painters, artists, tile layers, knitters, crocheters, writers. We use our hands. I have such a connect to making things and appreciate more than anything something that is made because there is a beauty and always a love when someone creates something like that for you.
Just last week I made a coffee table with my dad. We collaboratively designed, crafted, assembled, and painted this. It is Hollermann through and through and as we worked together and I hours flew by without my noticing I thought about where my dad learned it, where his dad learned it, and so on. It means something to me that we made this together that I have become a part of that tradition in a new way. For everything my family isn't - we are at the heart a good, honest, capable hardworking people and I reconnected with that fact throughout it's production. I'm only sad I didn't get a chance to make more this summer with him, but I'm so, so grateful I got to do this.
Those are a few shots of the entire finished table with quotes around the boarder that are all about being the change and other things that inspire me. This table was part of a transformation for me and I hope that this table will allow me to always come home and remember my roots, remember why I care like I do, and my focus in life.
Till Next Time...
Monday, July 25, 2011
Huge storm, Harry Potter, Hot Mess, Built a Table, and Peace Corp
The title is my life in a nutshell these days. The reason it's been so long between posts is because we recently just got internet back at our house. Why has it taken so long? WELL, a huge storm came rolling through here about a week and a few days ago one that literally had lightening striking the ground and shaking the entire house. It fried our internet, the entire blocks internet, our hot water heater, two tvs, two laptops, a weedwhip, a dvd player, and all I can say is thank God for renter's insurance. Especially whoever my parents go through because I'm already back up and going so awesome.
Harry Potter - a few nights ago I went to Harry Potter with the lovely Melissa Gearman, Emily Takle, and her sister Erin. Oh. My. Goodness. SO GOOD. So good I'm going to go see it again this week, and I have never before gone to see a movie twice in theatres not even when ticket prices were a mere 5.50 instead of this 9 dollar nonsense. I won't even get over it. So amazing.
Hot Mess -A few days after that Lindsay, Melissa and I got together for some good laughs and eventually a few drinks which hit me hard. I only had a few drinks, I mixed them myself, had plenty of sleep, had food before and during drinking, and yet I was for serious drunk. Probably cause I don't drink much anymore(but I can, because less anyone doubt it, I am of age). So that was fun, and my brother now fondly refers to me as 'the lush'. It was worth it though. I forgot how much I miss those two wonderful women!
Built a table. yes I quite literally built a table...well my dad did a lot of it while I learned and assisted but I did in fact use power tools in the production of it, and did a primer paint job yesterday and am doing a coat today then I get to design/paint it however I want - purty excited!
I have decided on a path of action come May after graduation. I am going into the peace corp. I have been working on my application like crazy - I have my essays done and will be uploading them after this followed by trying to figure out who to use as recommendations, but it's going to be fantastic! I hope I get an invite.
Also, I have been slowed down on my internship role from lack of internet, computer, and so on, BUT I still believe I will achieve my goal of having everything ready before school starts so I can email them in as needed and make adjustments and won't need to be doing that, chapter core business(get ready for some great stuff this year - we have some service options planned, freebies at orientation, and a first meeting set for August 24th!) and SENIOR YEAR OF SCHOOL!!!
also my car is finally in the shop so hopefully this year I will have a car! knock on wood.
Till next time...
Harry Potter - a few nights ago I went to Harry Potter with the lovely Melissa Gearman, Emily Takle, and her sister Erin. Oh. My. Goodness. SO GOOD. So good I'm going to go see it again this week, and I have never before gone to see a movie twice in theatres not even when ticket prices were a mere 5.50 instead of this 9 dollar nonsense. I won't even get over it. So amazing.
Hot Mess -A few days after that Lindsay, Melissa and I got together for some good laughs and eventually a few drinks which hit me hard. I only had a few drinks, I mixed them myself, had plenty of sleep, had food before and during drinking, and yet I was for serious drunk. Probably cause I don't drink much anymore(but I can, because less anyone doubt it, I am of age). So that was fun, and my brother now fondly refers to me as 'the lush'. It was worth it though. I forgot how much I miss those two wonderful women!
Built a table. yes I quite literally built a table...well my dad did a lot of it while I learned and assisted but I did in fact use power tools in the production of it, and did a primer paint job yesterday and am doing a coat today then I get to design/paint it however I want - purty excited!
I have decided on a path of action come May after graduation. I am going into the peace corp. I have been working on my application like crazy - I have my essays done and will be uploading them after this followed by trying to figure out who to use as recommendations, but it's going to be fantastic! I hope I get an invite.
Also, I have been slowed down on my internship role from lack of internet, computer, and so on, BUT I still believe I will achieve my goal of having everything ready before school starts so I can email them in as needed and make adjustments and won't need to be doing that, chapter core business(get ready for some great stuff this year - we have some service options planned, freebies at orientation, and a first meeting set for August 24th!) and SENIOR YEAR OF SCHOOL!!!
also my car is finally in the shop so hopefully this year I will have a car! knock on wood.
Till next time...
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Quick Update
This week has found me with some stomach upset which I am not a fan of, I don't think I'm sick, but I've been just a little queasy and as a result I've only worked out once this week, and I miss it. It makes a huge impact on my mood, though not so much on my body. Like I feel like with the work going in I should look like Megan Fox by now, but alas I am still Hollermann and don't see much of a change except in muscle growth and flexibility. Though most importantly it's a healthy lifestyle to exercise and I feel better and stronger and that does and always will matter above appearances. (to me, not a common belief in our society)
I finished reading Something Blue this week. It was a train wreck. I hated it. Like I wonder if that's not what induced this wicked stomach problem. It was horrid. So bad. Don't read it. Read Something Borrowed NOT Blue. blegh.
Harry Potter Comes out tonight, crazy excited to eventually see that with the lovely Mel.
I love youtube for finding new music. Like for real. Megan Tonjes, Julia Nunes, Luke Conrad, Alex Goot, Pomplemoose and assorted others. In many ways I truly hate internet networking because it's so passive and lends itself to a false sense of confidence in which people are infinitely more rude because there is an element of you can't see me so it doesn't count mentality. However in this case I approve, I LOVE the music I find on youtube and the ideas and fun news shows (philip defranco) good stuff.
I have also been not as productive as I wish I were as a result of my mysterious minor ailment and I hate that. I feel so listless and it's had been in a little funk, but today felt like it's getting better though presently it's a tad mad - though I suspect it's the too many pieces of pizza I ate (veggie though - yum)
Beyond that in my lack of normal structure I baked my family oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from scratch. I was pretty proud since fiesta toast is usually where my skills in the kitchen end.
Til next time...
I finished reading Something Blue this week. It was a train wreck. I hated it. Like I wonder if that's not what induced this wicked stomach problem. It was horrid. So bad. Don't read it. Read Something Borrowed NOT Blue. blegh.
Harry Potter Comes out tonight, crazy excited to eventually see that with the lovely Mel.
I love youtube for finding new music. Like for real. Megan Tonjes, Julia Nunes, Luke Conrad, Alex Goot, Pomplemoose and assorted others. In many ways I truly hate internet networking because it's so passive and lends itself to a false sense of confidence in which people are infinitely more rude because there is an element of you can't see me so it doesn't count mentality. However in this case I approve, I LOVE the music I find on youtube and the ideas and fun news shows (philip defranco) good stuff.
I have also been not as productive as I wish I were as a result of my mysterious minor ailment and I hate that. I feel so listless and it's had been in a little funk, but today felt like it's getting better though presently it's a tad mad - though I suspect it's the too many pieces of pizza I ate (veggie though - yum)
Beyond that in my lack of normal structure I baked my family oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from scratch. I was pretty proud since fiesta toast is usually where my skills in the kitchen end.
Til next time...
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Transformation
When we are little we are asked what we may like to be one day?
My answers ranged from writer, fashion designer, lawyer, starving artist, and other assorted titles.
As I found myself in college it was less about the title of what I would be and who it was I wanted to be - strong, funny, comfortable with myself, assertive, volunteer focuses, independent, loved, always striving for a better version of myself, open to life and all it's happiness and pain among other things.
As I consider this now, about to start in my last year in University, I find that while my major changed as often as my childhood answer, and my job desires don't even align with the major I'll graduate with and while I've made great progress in who I want to be now it's shifted still. Now instead of desiring a new laundry list of attributes I want or job titles - I want to accept myself, just as I am, highly emotional, passionate, overly invested, flawed but ultimately good natured me. Yes I do have elements of my personality that can be hard to handle, but that's not according to me. That has been according to everyone else. In the last year I had several friends I thought were like family tell me off for those characteristics of being too much to handle in the areas of emotions and ups and downs and by God I am, but I'm done feeling ashamed for it.
This is who I am. I cry my eyes out often, laugh often, and hit very low lows, but I also experience every moment of life and I wouldn't have it any other way and that dynamic quality is something worth loving.( and for the record an acceptable healthy personality type) I'm not a bad person for being myself and as I look to the future I see that what I want is to not lose sight of that self acceptance for anyone, always learn and grow, be a good role model (which admittedly this last year I potentially was not) go on adventures in my twenties, and hopefully start a family (adopted family) in my early thirties. I want to take in the children that were also made to feel decidedly less for simply existing as they are and give them a home in myself. I want to live in a city, far, far away from Minnesota a state that holds too many heartbreaks for me already, and live a life I can be proud of and through doing so move the world one step closer to a better tomorrow. (that's my life motto - the one good thing I got from my leadership minor)
I'm sure this year at school will offer ups, downs, a few good chats, a few good cries, and way too many goodbyes, but I feel good about where I'm going, about my transformation into the next stage of my life whatever it may hold and no along the way I will have no problem finding love, laughter, and people to share it with because for all that is deemed wrong in me I have never had a problem opening up and accepting others. I love like others breathe, automatically, and without effort and for that, even in a world where I'm told I should be ashamed of that, I'm grateful to God for that. It's perhaps the single quality of myself I've grown most proud of.
My answers ranged from writer, fashion designer, lawyer, starving artist, and other assorted titles.
As I found myself in college it was less about the title of what I would be and who it was I wanted to be - strong, funny, comfortable with myself, assertive, volunteer focuses, independent, loved, always striving for a better version of myself, open to life and all it's happiness and pain among other things.
As I consider this now, about to start in my last year in University, I find that while my major changed as often as my childhood answer, and my job desires don't even align with the major I'll graduate with and while I've made great progress in who I want to be now it's shifted still. Now instead of desiring a new laundry list of attributes I want or job titles - I want to accept myself, just as I am, highly emotional, passionate, overly invested, flawed but ultimately good natured me. Yes I do have elements of my personality that can be hard to handle, but that's not according to me. That has been according to everyone else. In the last year I had several friends I thought were like family tell me off for those characteristics of being too much to handle in the areas of emotions and ups and downs and by God I am, but I'm done feeling ashamed for it.
This is who I am. I cry my eyes out often, laugh often, and hit very low lows, but I also experience every moment of life and I wouldn't have it any other way and that dynamic quality is something worth loving.( and for the record an acceptable healthy personality type) I'm not a bad person for being myself and as I look to the future I see that what I want is to not lose sight of that self acceptance for anyone, always learn and grow, be a good role model (which admittedly this last year I potentially was not) go on adventures in my twenties, and hopefully start a family (adopted family) in my early thirties. I want to take in the children that were also made to feel decidedly less for simply existing as they are and give them a home in myself. I want to live in a city, far, far away from Minnesota a state that holds too many heartbreaks for me already, and live a life I can be proud of and through doing so move the world one step closer to a better tomorrow. (that's my life motto - the one good thing I got from my leadership minor)
I'm sure this year at school will offer ups, downs, a few good chats, a few good cries, and way too many goodbyes, but I feel good about where I'm going, about my transformation into the next stage of my life whatever it may hold and no along the way I will have no problem finding love, laughter, and people to share it with because for all that is deemed wrong in me I have never had a problem opening up and accepting others. I love like others breathe, automatically, and without effort and for that, even in a world where I'm told I should be ashamed of that, I'm grateful to God for that. It's perhaps the single quality of myself I've grown most proud of.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Ponderments of a Post Book High
Well this blog seems to be centralized about reading more and more and rightly so. The art of reading and articulating the ideas that those books create within us should be more widely cherished and practiced. (in my opinion). The focus of this is to discuss that glorious post book high when you've just finished a book that really created an interesting discussion in your mind, stirred a passion within, and changed you if only for a few hours after finishing it. I think that's the best time to discuss the book and that's what I intend to do.
The book I read was A Change Of Heart by Jodi Picoult and while her books tend to have a familiar pattern; multiple narrator books that change for each, often short chapter, a controversial issue that we see from four or five points of view and a few good(if sometimes predictable) twists. This book was no exception it dealt primarily with the impact of the death penalty and religion, so really non heated neutral topics basically.
I was passionately set against the death penalty the first time I heard about it, which now I can't remember - late elementary school early middle school? I believed this with a conviction that roared. I maintained that if there were any chance someone could be killed and be truly innocent it should not be used. That possibility always exists, and furthermore who were we to decide that decision? As a sophomore in college I took a philosophy class from the scariest professor I have ever had and he switched everything I thought on it's ear with his reason and hypothetical situations, but I returned to my original stance a semester or so after the class ended. This book confirmed that for me and if asked if I could ever be on a jury that would have to vote on a death penalty case the answer is no. Regardless of the horrific things people do that cause our blood to boil, the evil, dark. disturbing things I could not ever put someone to death - I could not murder another even if they started it.
Now that aspect of the book was pretty well cemented for me, but was presented well, but what truly got me thinking was the look at religion. This has always been an issue for me. Way back to when I was a feisty third grader who wanted to be a priest and had to be told that she couldn't because, simply, she was an XX chromosome instead of an XY, the most bogus reason ever and I began to think for myself. Not that those committed to a religion don't but some things were brought up in the book that really hit a chord with me.
"This is what it always comes to. There are the ones who believe and the ones who don't and caught in the space between them are guns."
"This is my simple religion there is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness. - the 14th Dalai Lama
"Every man(and woman) finds his(her) own church - and not all of them have four walls. "
These were some of the quotes from the book that hit with a force that made goosebumps erupt on my arms and my brain pulse in undeniable unison with my heart. I am so perplexed by so many things regarding religion. Why if they all frequently hold focus on doing good, kind things and bringing light into a world ridden with darkness do religious wars exist? Why do we allow a label divide us from uniting. It is together that we can create true, breathtaking, honestly good change. This world could be better if we'd all stop sitting in our camps stubbornly, often pouting. I am guilty of this too, particularly when it comes to respecting the beliefs of others. I often make jokes about my own Catholic upbringing and Christians in general, because part of my religion is laughter.
Further more broken down on a individualistic level, why don't our religions ask us to search ourselves for our own unique connection to the divine? As it happens I have done and do this frequently and found my religion does not fall within four walls or one label but in the following:
There is no cure for a broken heart, but it's better to have it broken than never open to another at all.
Laughter helps heal.
The little bits of good I personally can contribute to the universe make a difference, and if united with the acts of others will overwhelm the world (that was taken from a quote from a bishop whose name escapes me)
Horrible things happen in this world that have no rhyme or reason and horrible things happen because someone deliberately puts them into action, but the same is true of good.
That we weren't made in Gods image as little clones, but that God is within is, exactly as we are, and it is in our journey we find which parts of ourselves are the most like him.
That life is a blending the fated and random and we do have control to implement change, and whether it's for good or bad is up to us.
and this list grows with every person I meet, with every book I read, with every blessed moment I have and every heartbreak I recover from. I truly don't think it's about the label, or the little things, but the big picture and I wish we could all unite and see that and find that thread that weaves between and through everything to bring us to the religion of the universe and the truths of what we are as human; beings capable of truly remarkable good.
We are all so hellbent on being divided and I think that's the point isn't it, hell is the divide.(metaphorically I don't actually believe in a hell or heaven, just a reuniting of our spirit to our home in the universe, and I like to think God) We create the hell, but we could just as easily create the heaven if we could unite long enough to do so. We have religious divides, country divides, state divides, county divides, socioeconomic divides, family divides, political divides, and the list goes on, but what do we have that unites us?
Together it is literally possible to end hunger, save more lives, stop wars, and do more than we could ever dream, but we don't, and then we get angry at a God for not fixing what we won't even try to do on our own.
Just some thoughts, and if yours are a complete flip of my own that's fine, and I respect that, I just wish we could have a discussion about instead of war.
The book I read was A Change Of Heart by Jodi Picoult and while her books tend to have a familiar pattern; multiple narrator books that change for each, often short chapter, a controversial issue that we see from four or five points of view and a few good(if sometimes predictable) twists. This book was no exception it dealt primarily with the impact of the death penalty and religion, so really non heated neutral topics basically.
I was passionately set against the death penalty the first time I heard about it, which now I can't remember - late elementary school early middle school? I believed this with a conviction that roared. I maintained that if there were any chance someone could be killed and be truly innocent it should not be used. That possibility always exists, and furthermore who were we to decide that decision? As a sophomore in college I took a philosophy class from the scariest professor I have ever had and he switched everything I thought on it's ear with his reason and hypothetical situations, but I returned to my original stance a semester or so after the class ended. This book confirmed that for me and if asked if I could ever be on a jury that would have to vote on a death penalty case the answer is no. Regardless of the horrific things people do that cause our blood to boil, the evil, dark. disturbing things I could not ever put someone to death - I could not murder another even if they started it.
Now that aspect of the book was pretty well cemented for me, but was presented well, but what truly got me thinking was the look at religion. This has always been an issue for me. Way back to when I was a feisty third grader who wanted to be a priest and had to be told that she couldn't because, simply, she was an XX chromosome instead of an XY, the most bogus reason ever and I began to think for myself. Not that those committed to a religion don't but some things were brought up in the book that really hit a chord with me.
"This is what it always comes to. There are the ones who believe and the ones who don't and caught in the space between them are guns."
"This is my simple religion there is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness. - the 14th Dalai Lama
"Every man(and woman) finds his(her) own church - and not all of them have four walls. "
These were some of the quotes from the book that hit with a force that made goosebumps erupt on my arms and my brain pulse in undeniable unison with my heart. I am so perplexed by so many things regarding religion. Why if they all frequently hold focus on doing good, kind things and bringing light into a world ridden with darkness do religious wars exist? Why do we allow a label divide us from uniting. It is together that we can create true, breathtaking, honestly good change. This world could be better if we'd all stop sitting in our camps stubbornly, often pouting. I am guilty of this too, particularly when it comes to respecting the beliefs of others. I often make jokes about my own Catholic upbringing and Christians in general, because part of my religion is laughter.
Further more broken down on a individualistic level, why don't our religions ask us to search ourselves for our own unique connection to the divine? As it happens I have done and do this frequently and found my religion does not fall within four walls or one label but in the following:
There is no cure for a broken heart, but it's better to have it broken than never open to another at all.
Laughter helps heal.
The little bits of good I personally can contribute to the universe make a difference, and if united with the acts of others will overwhelm the world (that was taken from a quote from a bishop whose name escapes me)
Horrible things happen in this world that have no rhyme or reason and horrible things happen because someone deliberately puts them into action, but the same is true of good.
That we weren't made in Gods image as little clones, but that God is within is, exactly as we are, and it is in our journey we find which parts of ourselves are the most like him.
That life is a blending the fated and random and we do have control to implement change, and whether it's for good or bad is up to us.
and this list grows with every person I meet, with every book I read, with every blessed moment I have and every heartbreak I recover from. I truly don't think it's about the label, or the little things, but the big picture and I wish we could all unite and see that and find that thread that weaves between and through everything to bring us to the religion of the universe and the truths of what we are as human; beings capable of truly remarkable good.
We are all so hellbent on being divided and I think that's the point isn't it, hell is the divide.(metaphorically I don't actually believe in a hell or heaven, just a reuniting of our spirit to our home in the universe, and I like to think God) We create the hell, but we could just as easily create the heaven if we could unite long enough to do so. We have religious divides, country divides, state divides, county divides, socioeconomic divides, family divides, political divides, and the list goes on, but what do we have that unites us?
Together it is literally possible to end hunger, save more lives, stop wars, and do more than we could ever dream, but we don't, and then we get angry at a God for not fixing what we won't even try to do on our own.
Just some thoughts, and if yours are a complete flip of my own that's fine, and I respect that, I just wish we could have a discussion about instead of war.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sunday - A day for rest and gambling
At least it was for the Hollermann women (by which I mean my mom and I). I spent the morning reading(like I do) and ordering more books with my credits from paperbackswap.com (CHECK IT OUT it's hella cool and more on those books later.) My mom went in to work for a bit after which we were going to go to Bingo because while there is very little my mother and I see eye to eye on the worth of Bingo is one of them. Mostly I like it because it's one of the few activities we can do together and enjoy. It was a particularly colorful day at the Bingo pen today...
...Picture it, July 10th 2011 Alexandria MN 90 degrees KC bingo hall. We roll in twenty minutes early (the only way I know how to role is hyper punctual) and go purchase our cards, and settle in. Well then the storm warning comes onto the screen. Oh the excitement that rushed across the room. People frequented the window to closer investigate the sky while everyone chirped in a scholarly discussion about what a particular shade of gray sky may mean, and what the warning said, and how the rain was coming down( rapidly was the consensus) but as all true Bingo diehards once 7 pm rolled around everyone was in their seats ready for the first number to fall.
The games progressed without much excitement, I played SO MANY games being one away from winning, but never getting to proclaim bingo, but my mom scored herself $75 dollars. A delightful interaction happened between two regulars that went something like this:
**Car alarm gets set off and continues to go off for ten minutes which inspires helpful woman, let's call her Rose, hurries to the door to announce that yes, a car alarm is in fact going off and that it's Dexter's (names have been made up). Rose then hurries back to her card to catch up on the numbers. Dexter remains unphased.
Rose: Dex, the alarm is still going off.
Dexter: Go kick the car front tire - that usually shuts it up.
Rose makes no comment we all return to our cards and Dexter multitasks between dobbing 12 cards and locating his keys and pressing the stop alarm button on the key chain.
The alarm continues. No one says anything.10 additional minutes pass.
Dexter: Is it off yet?
Rose: No, Dex, it's not.
*collective chuckle rustles over the crowd and alarm shuts off*
Rose: It's off now Dex.
Dex: yeah, it's a little temperamental.
Rose: Like the owner!
*appreciative collective chuckle at the friendly shenanigans of the regulars*
That and the weather and all the cells that went off confirming people made it to bingo safely in the bad weather were the big news. Sometimes it's the strangest things that bring unexpected bursts of happiness into our lives and I enjoyed today in it's adorable interactions, laughs and good humor.
Before I wrap this up just want to mention that I am awaiting the arrival of the following new books that I get for free from paperbackswap(seriously, check it out):
Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult about a school shooting.
Sophie's World by I don't remember who wrote it, but I read it back in my high school philosophy class and want to read it again a bit older and wiser.
and Nickel and Dimed: on (Not) Getting by in America - it's an economic book about women in the United States struggling to get by on below the minimum wage standards by an impressive author who takes on living a life where she works 2 or 3 jobs that each pay a mere 6 to 7 dollars an hour. I'm especially excited about this one.
...Picture it, July 10th 2011 Alexandria MN 90 degrees KC bingo hall. We roll in twenty minutes early (the only way I know how to role is hyper punctual) and go purchase our cards, and settle in. Well then the storm warning comes onto the screen. Oh the excitement that rushed across the room. People frequented the window to closer investigate the sky while everyone chirped in a scholarly discussion about what a particular shade of gray sky may mean, and what the warning said, and how the rain was coming down( rapidly was the consensus) but as all true Bingo diehards once 7 pm rolled around everyone was in their seats ready for the first number to fall.
The games progressed without much excitement, I played SO MANY games being one away from winning, but never getting to proclaim bingo, but my mom scored herself $75 dollars. A delightful interaction happened between two regulars that went something like this:
**Car alarm gets set off and continues to go off for ten minutes which inspires helpful woman, let's call her Rose, hurries to the door to announce that yes, a car alarm is in fact going off and that it's Dexter's (names have been made up). Rose then hurries back to her card to catch up on the numbers. Dexter remains unphased.
Rose: Dex, the alarm is still going off.
Dexter: Go kick the car front tire - that usually shuts it up.
Rose makes no comment we all return to our cards and Dexter multitasks between dobbing 12 cards and locating his keys and pressing the stop alarm button on the key chain.
The alarm continues. No one says anything.10 additional minutes pass.
Dexter: Is it off yet?
Rose: No, Dex, it's not.
*collective chuckle rustles over the crowd and alarm shuts off*
Rose: It's off now Dex.
Dex: yeah, it's a little temperamental.
Rose: Like the owner!
*appreciative collective chuckle at the friendly shenanigans of the regulars*
That and the weather and all the cells that went off confirming people made it to bingo safely in the bad weather were the big news. Sometimes it's the strangest things that bring unexpected bursts of happiness into our lives and I enjoyed today in it's adorable interactions, laughs and good humor.
Before I wrap this up just want to mention that I am awaiting the arrival of the following new books that I get for free from paperbackswap(seriously, check it out):
Nineteen Minutes by Jodi Picoult about a school shooting.
Sophie's World by I don't remember who wrote it, but I read it back in my high school philosophy class and want to read it again a bit older and wiser.
and Nickel and Dimed: on (Not) Getting by in America - it's an economic book about women in the United States struggling to get by on below the minimum wage standards by an impressive author who takes on living a life where she works 2 or 3 jobs that each pay a mere 6 to 7 dollars an hour. I'm especially excited about this one.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Remember when reading was cool...
I still advocate that it is, but I can't exactly ignore how often I hear, from intelligent college aged adults, ' I hate reading - it's so boring, I'd rather watch a movie' and how excited I get when someone reads anything for fun. So, for any fellow book lovers out there I offer you this - books read in 2011 by yours truly.
1. The Lucky One By Nicholas Sparks
2. The Choice By Nicholas Sparks
1. The Lucky One By Nicholas Sparks
2. The Choice By Nicholas Sparks
Friday, July 8, 2011
Why hello over 7th months since my last post
Indeed, I have let 7 months of 2011 go by without updating you my little bloggity but finally, after some serious password resetting of the wrong, and than right blog I am here. SO, for all you readers who were on the edge of your seat to see how my goals turn out (all none of you) here it is:
* Read 30 books or some jazzy number. I'm on book 20, and going strong I suspect this goal may be reached by August. So, boss.
*Peace corp app - it's on my list, but not a ton of progress on this front, sadly, and in part because I'm weighing my post graduation plans. I may relocate to a new dreamy city(London anyone?) travel (Venice anyone?) move back home (anti climatic anyone?) masters program or peace corp. SO until I pick a path I'm not too ambitiously striving for any, and for now I'm okay with that.
*GPA - yeah we don't need to talk about last semester. It was brutal, but my cumulative is still a 3.27 or something so I'm gonna get back to my learning loving roots and rock out senior year.
**SIDENOTE** there are mother truckin flying ants in the house. FLYING attack of the freakishly giant ants. It almost got in my breakfast - rip it G-force flavor - and I would've been about eight shades of ragin.
*Successful Pay it Forward Tour. To answer that is a little tricky. I hear good things from most, albeit, not all participants, and on that tour I got so sick as to warrant hospitalization(of course I didn't go and just slept and shook for several days post tour). I had my heart broken when people I loved hurt me in ways I never expected, and I threw so much of what I am so much of my life outside of that was compromised. Overall though I'd say success - even for me as I am stronger and considerably more unattached now giving me a liberating freedom I'm rather enjoying.
*Run a 5k. No. this didn't happen, and I'm not sure I like running. I've stopped running and starting working out in different ways I think I like more, but we'll see what the next 5 months bring.
*Find Peace - I am making exceptional progress on this front, and that's all I'll say about it.
*Get 2nd tattoo - nothing is striking me as appropriate and having my neck tattoo through everything makes it more and more meaningful so the idea of one tattoo is growing on me.
*Get in SERIOUS shape - I enjoy my wording on that, as if non serious shape is an option. I am, and have been exercising 4+ x a week for usually 44-120 minutes depending on the variables. I have been eating healthy overall. I don't eat out at all anymore. I refuse to give up energy drinks and am sticking to it but I have limited them. I most likely won't become a runner - as it turns out I don't love it like I thought I would.
*Volunteer more - I'm doing a volunteer internship for the 11th annual Walk Of Hope on September 10th 2011 with firstlink in Fargo. It's an amazing cause and I'm honored to be a part of it.
*Raise 400 or more dollars for the Relay that happened in April. I did but I also have mixed feelings on that.
*Learn something new and challenging. - I am teaching myself Spanish and am at the intermediate level.
*Get an effin car - technically I have one, but it has no breaks and it may not actually ever be mine to use. FAIL.
*Find my happiness - also coming along nicely.
So there you have it. my goals for this year are coming along nicely as are my life long list of goals. I am proud of myself and I am excited for a future that for once is mine. 100 percent mine. Motivated and decided by me and I can't explain how happy that makes me.
ALSO though not on my list and important addition I am reconnecting with my faith and my art. Til next time, which will hopefully be sooner rather than later take care.
* Read 30 books or some jazzy number. I'm on book 20, and going strong I suspect this goal may be reached by August. So, boss.
*Peace corp app - it's on my list, but not a ton of progress on this front, sadly, and in part because I'm weighing my post graduation plans. I may relocate to a new dreamy city(London anyone?) travel (Venice anyone?) move back home (anti climatic anyone?) masters program or peace corp. SO until I pick a path I'm not too ambitiously striving for any, and for now I'm okay with that.
*GPA - yeah we don't need to talk about last semester. It was brutal, but my cumulative is still a 3.27 or something so I'm gonna get back to my learning loving roots and rock out senior year.
**SIDENOTE** there are mother truckin flying ants in the house. FLYING attack of the freakishly giant ants. It almost got in my breakfast - rip it G-force flavor - and I would've been about eight shades of ragin.
*Successful Pay it Forward Tour. To answer that is a little tricky. I hear good things from most, albeit, not all participants, and on that tour I got so sick as to warrant hospitalization(of course I didn't go and just slept and shook for several days post tour). I had my heart broken when people I loved hurt me in ways I never expected, and I threw so much of what I am so much of my life outside of that was compromised. Overall though I'd say success - even for me as I am stronger and considerably more unattached now giving me a liberating freedom I'm rather enjoying.
*Run a 5k. No. this didn't happen, and I'm not sure I like running. I've stopped running and starting working out in different ways I think I like more, but we'll see what the next 5 months bring.
*Find Peace - I am making exceptional progress on this front, and that's all I'll say about it.
*Get 2nd tattoo - nothing is striking me as appropriate and having my neck tattoo through everything makes it more and more meaningful so the idea of one tattoo is growing on me.
*Get in SERIOUS shape - I enjoy my wording on that, as if non serious shape is an option. I am, and have been exercising 4+ x a week for usually 44-120 minutes depending on the variables. I have been eating healthy overall. I don't eat out at all anymore. I refuse to give up energy drinks and am sticking to it but I have limited them. I most likely won't become a runner - as it turns out I don't love it like I thought I would.
*Volunteer more - I'm doing a volunteer internship for the 11th annual Walk Of Hope on September 10th 2011 with firstlink in Fargo. It's an amazing cause and I'm honored to be a part of it.
*Raise 400 or more dollars for the Relay that happened in April. I did but I also have mixed feelings on that.
*Learn something new and challenging. - I am teaching myself Spanish and am at the intermediate level.
*Get an effin car - technically I have one, but it has no breaks and it may not actually ever be mine to use. FAIL.
*Find my happiness - also coming along nicely.
So there you have it. my goals for this year are coming along nicely as are my life long list of goals. I am proud of myself and I am excited for a future that for once is mine. 100 percent mine. Motivated and decided by me and I can't explain how happy that makes me.
ALSO though not on my list and important addition I am reconnecting with my faith and my art. Til next time, which will hopefully be sooner rather than later take care.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Introduction
This is the third time I have deleted and restarted this blog and I'm hoping third time is the charm. It is a new year, and while blogging is not one of my goals I'm thinking by doing so I will keep them up.
So the goals for 2011:
*Read 35 Books (have not read any yet but the year is early and I'm working on tw0)
*Finish Peace Corp Application (have not resumed this yet)
*Raise GPA (mainly by achieving a 3.8 or higher for my three remaining semesters two of which will be in 2011)
*Be Part of a Successful PAY IT FORWARD TOUR!
*Run a 5k, by which I mean run the entire thing.
*Find Peace - vague yes, but important
*Get 2nd Tattoo ( have it picked out design wise and placement just waitin on money)
*Get in serious shape (worked out today for the first time in a long time -felt wonderful)
RULES
1. Exercise 4x weekly
2. Eat healthy 90 percent of the time
3. Try to limit eating out to 3 times a week, will goal of moving it down to two
4. No Pop or energy drinks (excluding the PIF and finals and midterms depending on their severity)
5. become a runner (by far the most intimidating)
*Volunteer more
*Raise $400 for Relay For Life STLF team
*Learn something challenges and new (thinking a second language probably Spanish)
*Get an effin car
and
* Find my happiness
There they are. My goals. a possible addition may be rocking the GRE though I'm not sure yet. I will keep this blog updated hopefully biweekly, with the goal of weekly.
*** and although it's a not a goal cause I already do it writing weekly letters to my grandpa is something I want to continue with. And Mel since she is in the peace corp now.
So the goals for 2011:
*Read 35 Books (have not read any yet but the year is early and I'm working on tw0)
*Finish Peace Corp Application (have not resumed this yet)
*Raise GPA (mainly by achieving a 3.8 or higher for my three remaining semesters two of which will be in 2011)
*Be Part of a Successful PAY IT FORWARD TOUR!
*Run a 5k, by which I mean run the entire thing.
*Find Peace - vague yes, but important
*Get 2nd Tattoo ( have it picked out design wise and placement just waitin on money)
*Get in serious shape (worked out today for the first time in a long time -felt wonderful)
RULES
1. Exercise 4x weekly
2. Eat healthy 90 percent of the time
3. Try to limit eating out to 3 times a week, will goal of moving it down to two
4. No Pop or energy drinks (excluding the PIF and finals and midterms depending on their severity)
5. become a runner (by far the most intimidating)
*Volunteer more
*Raise $400 for Relay For Life STLF team
*Learn something challenges and new (thinking a second language probably Spanish)
*Get an effin car
and
* Find my happiness
There they are. My goals. a possible addition may be rocking the GRE though I'm not sure yet. I will keep this blog updated hopefully biweekly, with the goal of weekly.
*** and although it's a not a goal cause I already do it writing weekly letters to my grandpa is something I want to continue with. And Mel since she is in the peace corp now.
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